Nov. 18th-23rd: Days 166-171

Dear Uterus,

We are approaching C's six month birthday. That means we're also approaching 6 months since we separated.  Almost a half of a year has passed. How is that possible?

When I was in high school, I had the typical 'girl' thoughts. My best friend is skinnier. I'm soooo fat. I wished I had bigger boobs... you get the idea.

Still, I never hated my body.

I would look in the mirror and think, "Hey, I look good today. I'm pretty."

When I got pregnant with Cody I loved watching my belly grow and change. I felt beautiful. I was growing a person.

Cody gave me stretchmarks from Hell. I still felt beautiful. I earned those.

The twins lengthened those stretchmarks, and gave me a c-section scar. The scar didn't bother me too much. Few saw it, and I didn't care if they did. I earned those. I grew two people.

C gave me a 'new' scar. My old one was cut away, and a new one was in it's place. I had that scar for 6 days. For 6 days, I had another marker of something I did (albeit a slightly crappy and crooked one.. but a mark).

I still have the stretchmarks, but they're fading.

My skin is EVER SO SLOWLY shrinking back.

I don't have either c-section scar any more.

Instead I have the scar from the hysterectomy, and for the first time in my entire life. I didn't like what I saw when I looked in the mirror.

That sounds vain, doesn't it?

The hysterectomy scar is in the same place as the c-section ones. It's a little longer (almost 9 inches), and for a scar it's not horrible.

Yet instead of representing the babies I carried, it only represents everything I lost. I lost an organ. I lost the possibility of ever delivering another child.  That scar represents darkness.

So, a few nights ago I took a picture. Tonight I'll share it with you.

You didn't ask to see it, you could probably care less.  Still, I need to show you. I need to reach a point where I can look at it and say "I earned this. This is proof I survived." My first step is not hiding it.

I have yet another scar beneath it. In the center, about an inch and half down is a scar from my most recent surgery. Another reminder of something negative.

-Michelle

Nov. 4th-17th; Days 152-165

Dear Uterus,

I haven't felt the need to write in here for  two weeks.

The last few days I was starting to feel the urge and then life caught up with me.

I have piles of homework every week for college. I am looking and applying daily for jobs. I am working on craft orders. I'm being a mom. I'm also still healing.

In 5 month's I've had 3 fairly major surgeries.

I think I forget that my body is probably over it right now.

The latest surgery didn't work. Things are slightly better than before, but not by an amazing amount. I cannot describe how sucky that makes me feel. I still experience pain from the surgery and it's not like everything is all better so the pain is worth it.

I'm not sure what my next step will be. I won't let myself think that this is just my new reality. Still, financially we're stretched thin and I don't think I can afford any more surgeries or procedures in the near future.

In the past few days something has occurred to me. I don't feel like it's November, Mentally I'm still stuck in June.

I've went on a vacation, switched colleges, managed to get on the deans list, and I really have no idea how because I'm pretty sure I just coasted through all of it.

The last 5 and a half months were stolen from me.

Tonight in the shower I broke down crying and I had no idea why.

I got out, dried off and deactivated my Facebook.

I need a break from the babies and the pregnancy tests, but more than that I need a break from the people WHO DON'T GET IT.  I need a break from the people who are arguing over the most tricial of things and the only thing I can think of is: "Get over it, tomorrow it could end."

I'm not sure if that's a good or a bad way to think about things, but there it is.




I need a break from people complaining about being pregnant, and honestly, I need a break from Surrogacy.

Because right now my rose-colored glasses are off and I'm afraid I won't keep my mouth shut.

Hugs and Love.

Goodnight.

Oct. 29th- Nov. 3rd; Days 146-151

Dear Uterus,

It's a new month and I haven't written in about a week, so I figured I probably should.

I'm still recovering from surgery, and still in complete limbo on knowing whether or not it worked. I'm desperate to know one way or the other so I can either plan my next step or jump for joy.

I started off writing every day because I needed it. Eventually it went to every 2-3 days and now we're about once a week.

Tonight I needed to write.

Everyone is pregnant or having babies.. and I love it. I also hate it.

It's so confusing.

There are days when I want to block everyone that even mentions pregnancy, and days that I think all the pictures give me hope.

The only ones that don't bother me, are the surrogate pregnancies. Despite everything, I still love those. Yes, there is a twinge of pain when I see a bump, but I think I'm slowly growing used to the idea that I'll never be pregnant again.

I had three pregnancies, and I ROCKED them.

Surrogate pregnancies are easy because they don't take the baby home after.

I want to take a baby home. I want to experience that again. I feel cheated.

I am madly in love with Cody and every day he becomes a little more independent and needs me a little less. I want to hold on to him forever because I may not ever get the chance to hold on to another one.

I don't know how women deal with this for years. I can't even imagine dealing with it for another month.

-Michelle

October 22nd-28th; Days 139-145

Dear Urine Receptacle,

AHah! Did you notice what I did there?

I'm thinking that your  feeling unloved as the last 5 years of my life has been very uterine-centric. So this one is for you Bladder-face.

Please stop being a jerk.

In all seriousness-- later today is 2 weeks since the surgery. I was able to stop taking my heavy pain killers about a week after surgery. I was moving and sitting a lot better. In the past 3 or 4 days however, I'm hurting a lot. I'm guessing it's because it's all starting to heal, and maybe the internal stitches are breaking down a bit.

I took my catheter out (did I mention that last time) on the morning of the 19th. The next day I had my stitches out.

The next day I called the doctor back because my wonderful little "problem" was still there. They said not to be discouraged yet because I'm still healing. So I'm trying to think positive, but I can't help but thinking that every day it should get a little bit better if it's just because the bladder is healing, right?

I really wanted this all to be behind me so I can feel like I'm coming up on the more positive side of this entire thing, and it hasn't yet.

Help me out of this hole!

-Michelle

October 14th-21st; Days 131-138

Dear Uterus.

Yeah I know it's been awhile.

I had my surgery on the 14th, and as usual I managed to go screw it up.

My 2 hour surgery ended up being a 4 hour one. My outpatient procedure ended up being a 48 hour stay.

I love hospitals... so, so, much.

I researched the heck out of my c-sections. I talked to people who'd had them. I was prepared for the aftermath, and I understood the procedure as well as a non-doctor can.

This one-- there isn't a lot of people openly talking about bladder prolapses and randomly leaking urine. No one told me where the best place to buy depends was or what to expect when I woke up from surgery. I researched a bit, and understood some of the stuff, but even after the doctor talked to me I was completely clueless with what was really going to happen.

They went to do a cystocele (anterior) prolapse repair. This is, to my understanding, where they reposition the bladder up ansd away from the vaginal wall, where mine had falled into. Along with it, they put in a urethral sling, a small tension sling that holds the urethra up.

This is, on average, a two hour surgery. After the anterior prolapse was repaired they discovered I also had a significant rectocele (posterior) prolapse. So they fixed this as well. This, and the fact that I decided to bleed lots again, made it into the 4 hour surgery.

Before I went in, I was sitting in the sort of waiting area for non-emergent operations. I was in my own cubicle, but not on a bed, just a recliner with a tv and naked under a hospital gown. The nurse came in to talk to me and I we spoke about the anesthesia a little bit, the process, and etc. The one thing that had been terrifying me was the idea of going under again, I mentioned that to her-- even going as far as to ask if I could have a spinal instead. She told me she would talk to the anesthesiologist. A little while later, he came in, and he looked vaguely familiar, although I couldn't really place it.

He started asking me about my concerns and as I was telling him he stopped me and said "Now, when did this happen..?" I told him June. He said-- "You were the surrogate weren't you?" "Yes...?" "I was you anesthesiologist that day."

While the procedure was being done at a different hospital, he also worked with this one as well, and he remembered me.  We sat and chatted a little while. He told me his side of things, including a pirce of the puzzle I didn't find out. Apparently, he was struggling to keep me under as he normally would, whenever he would try, I would code-- so he had to use different methods. I'm not sure what they were and I didn't ask-- I was trying to process the fact that I had apparently come even closer to death than I thought-- I coded-- more than once.

HE said it sounded like I had a little PTSD after everything and told me he would make sure I had an anti-anxiety med before the anesthesia. That calmed me down a bit.

A little later he walked me down to the OR. I walked in, and climbed on the operating table myself. I laid back, and for a few seconds I was back in June, terrified and begging them  not to let me die. Then they talked to me. I can't remember what it was about but it was enough to get my mind off of everything as he put whatever juice into the IV that made me pretty much okay with everything. They told me they were starting the anesthesia and I breathed in and out slowly-- waiting for the moment where I couldn't breathe on my own and could feel my chest almost being paralyzed-- and it didn't come.

I woke up later that evening (the surgery started around 3ish) and was pretty out of it the rest of the night. I was in and out of consciousness, part from my awesome inability to wake up from anesthesia like a normal person, and partly because I was low on blood and for some reason had really low blood pressure.

The pain SUCKED. It reminded me of when I tore while delivering my son. Laying in bed hurt-- and the first time I tried to stand up I almost fell over from the pain. The next time I stood up I manged to walk into the bathroom and promptly passed out on the toilet.

I went home 2 days later with a catheter that I both got to keep in for 5 days, and also take out myself. Fun stuff.

After I took out the catheter I was super excited to be able to wear underwear again, and not a depends--- and then I started leaking. The verdict is currently out on whether it failed or if I just need some time to let my bladder settle a bit-- it has been through a lot in the past few months. The leaking isn't as bad as before, but it's still pretty bum-worthy.

Yesterday I had the abdominal sutures removed from where they had the scope placed. That was pretty easy.

Now I'm on pelvic rest and light duty for 6 weeks while I heal and the stitches dissolve. This cannot come fast enough because holy COW do they itch!!

Now that I'm not constantly on pain meds I can start writing again-- what with I can now form paragraphs and... well... words.

Talk to you tomorrow,

-Michelle

October 9th-13th; Days 126-130

Dear Uterus,

Surgery is tomorrow.

I'm scared.

I'm trying not to feel defeated or negative, but I also want to be prepared.

Tonight I filled out my Advance Health Care Directive.

This appointed an Agent, an an alternative agent, to make medical choices for me should I not be able to do so.

Logically I know that this a simple-ish procedure. Yet I find myself almost sick at the thought of going under tomorrow. The c-section was a simple procedure... the d&c was supposed to be simple.. and then it wasn't.

I'm not sure if I ever shared a part of the story. The "why" to the intubation.

My body had experienced a trauma and was still experiencing it with the DIC. The doctors made the choice to keep me sedated. While sedated I stopped breathing-- my body tried to die-- so they intubated me, and for 12 hours the only reason I was alive was because of a machine.

I never wanted to be on life support for an extended amount of time, but I never considered what my time frame would be. I clearly needed those 12 hours, and I'm alive today because of it-- but do I want 24? 7 days? A Month? Where is that line when I say "let me go"?

Today is my son's birthday. He's 4. 4 years ago this morning I delivered my first pregnancy and I never would have imagined this is where I would be 4 years later.

I ahd friends here this weekend, and it helped ease my nerves, but now as I sit in the dark of night and write this, I feel them creeping up.

I feel like I should say bye, just in case, and that's something no one should have to feel.

-Michelle

Oct.7th-8th; Days 124&125

Dear Uterus, 

Today has been a hard today. Probably the hardest that I've had in awhile. 

When I joined the surrogate community almost 4 years ago (holy crap!) people didn't really talk about the bad stuff within the community. I think because it felt as if we were fighting the media. Every tv show we watched, every surrogacy-relateed news article that aired-- it all seemed negative. So, in some way as an act of balance, we only shared the good. It was a lot of good.

As a person entering that world I loved seeing the stories of hope and family and love. It was beautiful to the point of tears. I couldn't wait to have a story like that of my own. Now, almost 4 years later, I have two stories like that. 

When I almost lost my life in June, I suddenly saw a different side. This side wasn't what the media portrayed it-- I wasn't a crazy woman trying to keep a baby. The parents hadn't left me with a child that wasn't mine. Instead, I was faced with the reality that a choice I made could be the end of me.

When a woman chooses to become pregnant, she makes the choice to bring a child into the world. She accepts the risks. She knows that the outcome in worth it-- a baby in her arms at the end of nine (let's face it, ten) months.

When a woman decides to become a surrogate, she makes the choice to bring someone Else's child into the world. She makes the choice to complete, or grow another person's family. I made that choice. I can name more than twenty women who I consider my friend that have also made that choice. I could point you in the direction of thousands of others.

At some point, in the last year or so, a woman made the choice to be a surrogate (again). She ended up carrying twins. Today, on what should have been an exciting day, she died of complications related to pregnancy.

I didn't know her. You probably didn't know her. Someone did. A lot of people did. She left a family, children... people that were counting on her.

Today was a hard day. My heart aches for her family in a way I don't think it would have before this. I would have been sad, I would have thought about her, and then I would have continued on my day. Now it's different. I can't look at death the same way. Four months ago it was my family that was worried, my friends that were messaging like I assume hers were. By some crazy stroke of luck, I survived when even the doctors didn't think I would... and she didn't-- and that sucks. 

-Michelle

Oct. 4th-6th; Days 121-123

Dear Uterus,

College started for me yesterday. I keep myself as busy as possible. I don't think it was intentional initially, but now I think it has helped a lot. When I am constantly doing something I can go days without really thinking about it all. Progress.

In one week I have surgery. Something I still have mixed feelings about. I feel like I am constantly reminded of everything every time I have to deal with this issue. For months I have told myself that once this issue is fixed I can move out of this pit I have been in. Yet part of me is worried that even when I am fixed, I will still feel like I am in this...slump.

I haven't gained any more weight, but I haven't lost any more either. I just can't exercise so I am stuck. I have another 7weeks before I can really try to lose weight again, so my weight loss journey is on hold..ish.

How are you?

-Michelle

Oct 1st-3rd; Days 118-120

Dear Uterus,

I try to "cross that bridge when I come to it", in regards to most things.

After the hysterectomy, one of the first things everyone tried to comfort me with was "Well, you got to keep your ovaries!"

It was a small win, but a win none-the-less.

If I wanted another biological child I could have one, just not carry him/her.

Today a topic came up in an Accreta support group that I'm a part of. Recent studies show as many as 50% of women that have a hysterectomy and keep their ovaries experience ovarian failure around 5 years later.

FIVE YEARS.

50% isn't 100%, but it's not 0% either.

A lot of the girls started chiming in, and so far it seems like a lot more than 50%. A lot of them lost their ovarian function between 3-5 years post hysterectomy, some just a few months later!

I don't want to borrow trouble, but I can't help but look at my amazing record for percentages.

Yet another thing/choice that might be taken from me too soon.

I don't know if I'll use a surrogate. If I do it's at LEAST two and a half years away. At least.

If I choose to adopt, to not have another bio child, that's fine. I made that choice.

When I am a 30 year old on hormone therapy and experiencing hot flashes.... I didn't make that choice.

-Michelle

Sept. 29th-30th; Days 116&117

Dear Uterus,

What I'm about to say it going to sound to weird, but bear with me.

I think everyone should have a near death experience at least once when they are young-ish.

I don't want anyone to actually die. and I don't wish that pain on any family, but.. I kind of think everyone needs one.

I feel like I aged after all of that. Some of it not all good, but a lot of it feels amazing. Let's talk about the amazing today, maybe tomorrow we'll chat about the not-so-good.

For most of my life people have told me that I act older than my age. I had older friends, dated older guys, had a more 'adult' look on life even when I was in high-school. That's not to say I didn't still need some growing up to do. I had to have some heartbreaks, I had to have some life-struggles, but I came out better for them.

People have always been kind of surprised by my age. Especially the people who haven't seen me in person-- although most of them have seen pics so... I guess my wrinkles are showing early. I tell them I'm 25 and everyone is like.. holy crap... you seem to much older, so much more put together than I was at 25.

I don't necessarily agree all the time, but I'll take it.

After everything had settled down, I realized it drastically changed how I acted, how I looked at things, and how I want things to be in the future.

People always say "life is short". You understand what they mean, but you don't REALLY get it. Then in one hour you almost bleed to death, in one day you go from grocery shopping to being on life support, in one week you go from sitting on your couch to laying in an ICU bed.

Life is short. I get that now. I'm both in-love with the knowledge, and terrified of it.

Think about it. On Friday morning I got up- I was sore from the c-section, complaining about my aching uterus.. I ate lunch, pumped some breast-milk, went to the store for some groceries, and 19 hours after I woke up I was in the ER. 24 hours after??? I was on a ventilator and my husband didn't know if I was going to wake up.

Twenty four hours. What will you be doing in 24 hours?

When I say things have changed for me... it's encompasses so many things.

I worry less-- who needs that stress?

I hug my son more--probably too much-- pretty sure I’ll have a mental breakdown on his first day of school.

I’m more patient. The son is screaming, the car in front of me is driving slow… who cares? That one irritating moment is a blip on my timeline.

I wanted to graduate, buy a cute house in a great neighborhood and send my son to a private school with the best teachers. Now I think we should spend his younger years traveling to different counties, learning as we go.He might be homeschooled through elementary but he’ll be exposed to so many cultures…

Do you see my point? See where I’m going?

Life becomes routine for us. We wake up, we fix the kids breakfast, we go to work, they go to school, rinse, repeat.

So your clothes aren’t hanging up? You got them washed.

Your bed isn’t made? You’re going to sleep in it again anyway.

Take a moment, embrace it. Make it the best, because in 24 hours you might be dead.

-Michelle

Sept. 26th-28th; Days 113-115

Dear Uterus, 

Some days I feel like I jinxed myself. Or maybe that I wasn't grateful enough for my ability to carry and it was taken away. 

With Cody's pregnancy, I was both in love with and and wanting it over at the same time, which I'm going to say is probably normal.  It was my first pregnancy, my first child. It was neat to see the changes in my body and feel his movements. Still, I wanted it over and him in my arms. 

My second (well, third if you count the early miscarriage) was the Twins. And again, the pregnancy was sooooo neat. Twins brought a whole new oomph to the pregnancy that I hadn't experienced before. Plus, it was my first surrogate pregnancy, and that felt amazing. I was looking forward to giving the babies to S&J, but I loved the pregnancy. 

With Charlie, nothing was new or different. I was SO HAPPY to give D&M a baby, but the pregnancy itself was nothing spectacular. I was happy to grow him, and care for him, but I didn't feel the excitement I had with my first two pregnancies. Also, this pregnancy was a lot more uncomfortable for me than even the twins had been, and I know there were days where I was just done and ready for it to be over. 

So, in a way I feel like I jinxed myself-- like I didn't love this pregnancy as much and so the ability to have more was taken away. I know that's not why, but it feels like that. 

Almost a week ago my doctor started me on a anti-depression medication, not for depression, but for the side effect it caused-- which would hopefully help with my bladder issues until surgery happened. Ironically, a side-effect of the medication for depression can be..... depression. 

I wouldn't go so far as to say I'm depressed.. yet, but I can definitely feel a change. I had been climbing up from the sadness that all this caused, and now I'm at a point where thinking about it-- thinking about how close I came to death-- thinking about how I will never feel a baby move inside me again, it physically hurts. I feel like it's crushing me on the inside. 

When I don't think about, I'm fine, but when I let my mind wander I go back to the place I was when I started this blog. 

I don't know if it's the medication, or just a little regression in my overall healing... but I don't like it.

Hugs and Love,

Michelle

Sept. 23rd-25th; Days 110-112

Dear Uterus,

A little bit of my crazy might show as I write this.

Is it weird that sometimes, for a second, I forget that everything happened?

Today, I was thinking about this whole bladder thing. My thought process went something like this:

I wonder when these pills will take affect? > Hopefully the surgery works completely > What happens if even after the surgery I still have some leakage? > That would be weird, being pregnant and also dealing with changing pads > I wouldn't want the ultrasound techs to know, so when they did the scans I'd have to make sure they didn't see what I was wearing. > wait a minute, why I am wondering what this will be like when I'm pregnant?

It doesn't happen often, but sometimes it does, and usually when I've had several good days of just NOT thinking about it at all.

I see a cute baby sometimes and I say to Glen "UGH my uterus aches."

No, no it doesn't.

-Michelle

Sept. 21st and 22nd; Days 108&109

Dear Uterus,

Starting with stating that YES, Cody is fine :) I had several people message me worried about my last post.

I thought it was pretty clear, but there you go.

Now, Today is Week 3 of weightloss.  Nothing fancy to update. Still the same as last week, but I've done absolutely nothing to help.. so... can't complain. At least I didn't gain it back.

Today I finally was able to see the urologist, and found out that I will be having surgery to fix my bladder issues.

Long story short is that I do have a prolapse as well as significant weakening of those muscles. I will be getting a biograph inserted and a sling. Unfortunately this is only a 10-15 year fix, and then I'll have to have it done again, BUT I'm trying to remain positive that I will be able to go back to my 'normal' life.

I don't have a date yet, but I will let you know when I do.

On the no-uterus side of things. Today during the exam he had me "push like you're having a baby". I didn't really think about it until I got home and realized I will never do that again for its intended purpose.

-Michelle

Sept. 20th Day 107

Dear Uterus,

I'm taking a break from my regularly scheduled blogging to ask you for something.

Please contact me if you know a family (or are a family!) that is financially struggling due to childhood cancer.

Details later-- but it's going to be awesome!

-Michelle

Sept. 17-19; Days 104-106

Dear Uterus,

The last few days I have been steadily working on my first quarter as a Legal Studies student. I have a two week break before the next quarter starts. I'm so excited to be one quarter closer to scratching something off my post-uterus bucket list.

I've been keeping myself busy. I think that helps as well. I haven't been able to find a job, but I do my little side crochet business and I craft. I craft all the time.

I'm working on another little surprise, but no one gets to know that yet. For now, it's just for me. It's keeping me moving forward.

More and more I catch myself commenting on Cody being an only child. I no longer say it with the bitterness I did three months ago. Now, I think I'm okay with it. If another baby comes to us in the next few years, I will gladly take it, but-- I think I'm okay with 'just Cody' for now.

He's amazing. Every day I love him a little more, I squeeze him a little tighter, and I vow to do everything I can to make his life amazing.

-Michelle

Sept. 15-16; Days 102&103

Dear Uterus,

When this first happened, I wrote my first entry because everyone was asking about it. Everyone wanted to know and that was the easiet way possible.

I continued because it turned to a type of therapy for me. I wrote every day, religiously. It was like my personal therapist-- and I didn't have to pay $80.00 an hour.

Now that three and a half months have passed, I write about every other day. I don't need my therapy every day. I have days when it doesn't cross my mind. Full, whole days where I don't even think about it.

I still am a part of the surrogacy community, even though I've considered multiple times leaving all the groups because I feel out of place. Then something happens and reminds me why I stay.

On more than one occasion, honestly-- probably more than ten, someone brings me into a conversation.

Usually there is a woman, struggling with the same thing I struggled with. They tell you to be done with having all of your kids before pursuing surrogacy. They think they can handle it, they think everything will be fine, they don't get the risks. There are some on there that are judging them, thinking they are fools. Then, there's me. I was them. I was them in 2011 when I started looking into it. I was them in 2012 when I transferred the twins. I was them in 2013 and 2014, and 2015. For five days in 2015 I was planning my next pregnancy. I was planning the one after that too.

Then, in one day.. that was all gone.

Every time I tell them my abridged story, I hope that it at least makes them pause-- makes them consider their feelings.

Today as I was writing-- I realized there was something else I wanted to add.

That choice doesn't just affect your ability to carry. It effects your family. It effects the Parents you carried for.

So-- I keep writing.

-Michelle

September 13th-14th; Days 100&101

Dear Uterus,

Week 2 of my diet.

This week I fluctuated a bit, but ended today one pound less than last week.

Stats:

Starting:

• 188 pounds
• Size 14 jeans. 

2nd Week:

• 184 pounds
• Size 14 jeans

Pounds lost: 4

-Michelle

Day 99

Dear Uterus,

Let's pause for a second and realize that this DAY 99. The last day of double digits since everything happened. That means 100 short days ago I was completely oblivious to what was about to happen.

Now, let's get to the slightly humorous (and full of SPOILERS) blog on why TV makes me crazy.

So, one of my favorite shows is Grey's Anatomy (the spoilers are coming, stop now).

I love that show. Well, loved. How is McDreamy dead??? That's really not the point.

Why can Grey's Anatomy not have ONE GOOD PREGNANCY.

Christina Pregnant-- ectopic
Bailey Pregnant- Has to deliver baby while husband is having his brain operated on.
Meredith Pregnant- miscarriage
Callie pregnant- delivers early from car crash
Christina Pregnant- Abortion
Meredith Pregnant- Delivers via c-section in the dark, almost dies.
April Pregnant- Baby has problem that means it will not live outside the womb very long.
Meredith Pregnant- delivers while mourning dead husband, hemorrhages at home.

Just recently I started binge watching Private Practice, Addison's spin-off show. In it we have:

Violet Pregnant- Baby cut out of her by crazy person and stolen breifly, left to die.
Amelia Pregnant- Baby has no brain. (Just got to this point, don't tell me how it all ends).


AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED on all the Surrogate Stuff in Private Practice.

This probably seems really weird, but it bothers me for some reason, now.


AHHH!
-Michelle

Sept. 10th-11th; Days 97&98

Dear Uterus,

The 10th was Glen's birthday, I think I can honestly say that I didn't think about what happened or what I lost yesterday. I didn't think about anything other than making it a good day.

Today I went to the doctor. For two months now, I have been looking forward to seeing some sort of light at the end of the "crap keeps happening tunnel".

Every day that I deal with this awesome....side effect? of all the pregnancies and surgeries I feel like I'm never going to climb out.

Today, I was sitting in the Urologist's office and then they told me he was called into surgery. So now I wait another two weeks. Another two weeks before I can even begin to see a plan to fix this all.

I'm tired of it. And I'm irritated.

-Michelle

Sept 8th-9th; Days 95-96

Dear Uterus,

One week of the diet is down.

Stats:

Starting:

• 188 pounds
• Size 14 jeans. 

1 Week:

• 185 pounds
• Size 14 jeans

So, I've lost 3 lbs this week. 11 more to go to my first goal.

Today was Henry and Haley's 2 year birthday. 2 years since my first surrogacy journey ended. Time flies soooooooo fast.

I haven't talked to their parents in a year. It's okay. I didn't do it for friendship, but I won't lie and say I don't wonder about them--

-Michelle

Sept 4th-7th; Days 91-94

Dear Uterus,

I took the weekend off. I'm sorry.

I decided a little while back to start working again. I think I need to, and for more reasons than one.

On Friday, I took a test at one of the places I submitted a resume. I hope to find out if I get the job tomorrow or Wednesday.

On Saturday, I missed the funeral of Inez. It was horrible not being there. And sad. I'm so glad she got to hold my son, once.

On those evenings I watched a friend's baby. I forgot how tiring babies can be.

Sunday was fun... and bittersweet. We went to a sheep dog championship near here. The last time I was there was this time last year, and I was telling people how excited I was to be a surrogate again. (I transferred Charlie on the 9th of September last year).

Today, I canned tomato sauce (again-- did it on Saturday too). Today I told someone the story of "The Day it All Changed" and it didn't sting as bad. I just said it. Today it wasn't about all the pain. Today when I told it, today it felt about survival.

-Michelle

Sept 3- Day 90

Dear Uterus,

SO----

I'm late. Approximately 8 weeks.

Think I should be worried?

I'm trying to laugh here people, laugh with me.

-Michelle

(okay, seriously-- I just happened to think about it that I have "missed" two periods. I usually have my first PP period around 6 weeks. Learning to laugh-)

Day 89

Dear Uterus,

One of my post-uterus bucket list was to get back down to a weight that was less than or equal to what I was when I got pregnant with Cody.

Apparently, I'm a stress/emotional eater.

I lost all of my baby weight, and was wanting to work on the med-weight but I got side tracked when I started feeling really bummed about everything. Then I got better... then Inez died.

The last week  I have eaten so much crap and gained at least five pounds.

Today was my first day of my diet.

I HATE sharing my weight, but I'm going to. I'm going to share all the stats.

• I am 5'10"
• This morning I weighed 188 pounds
• I wear size 14 jeans. 
• (I'll edit this Thursday or Friday with measurements)

My goals are:

• Lose at LEAST 14 lbs 
• Preferably 20lbs (Glen is racing me to the 20 lbs mark-- I realize he'll win... but... motivation)
• Fit into Size 12 at max, preferably 9/10.
• Trim 3 inches off my stomach and hips

So there it is. Weekly updates to follow. Hold me accountable.

-Michelle

Day 88

Dear Uterus,

I'm okay.

I'm not wonderful. I haven't evolved enough to put it all behind me, but I'm okay.

There are things that still sting, there are times that I tear up.. but I don't feel the crushing ache that I felt before.

I don't lay in bed all day with the door closed.

I'm okay.

I can't ask or expect more than that right now.

-Michelle

Day 87

Dear Uterus,

I wrote this-- and really, this is what is on my min at the moment, so here it is.

-Michelle

Aug 30- Day 86

Dear Uterus,

I have been trying to decide if I should write this one.

BUT I made the commitment to this blog to say everything I feel, so I will.

A little while ago, I told you that I was having since trouble accepting the news of a pregnancy.

If I look deeper into it, they're is really a lot more to it than just "that should be me." There is a lot of history, but that is still a part.

About a week ago, I received news that that pregnancy was no longer...here.

I would never wish a pregnancy loss on someone... I would hope that the people in my life would understand that. My initial feeling was that I felt bad I hadn't been more excited, and then I felt bad because it didn't make me depressed. I didn't really feel anything...

So there you have it.. I feel bad... because I didn't ache at the loss...

I feel bad, because I think that makes me bad.

-Michelle

-quote later. It's 3am, and I am tried.-

Day 85- In Memorium

Dear Uterus,

Today is not about me.

Today death visited and took someone.

So today is about her.

One of the first people that saw me on this side of the earth was this woman. I had a bit of a rough start when I was born. I was grey, and I wasn't breathing. My doctor, or rather my mom's doctor sat with me in the nursery-- sitting in a rocking chair-- and it was there that she first saw me.

In the years that followed, that was one of her favorite stories when we got together.

Her friendship with my family started before that, before I was born, when she befriended a young single mom who had just moved to a new place and didn't know anyone. My brother was sickly as a child, he didn't gain weight easily and didn't eat a lot, but he did eat her Taco's... so when he would come over, that's what she would make.

My own grandmothers passed away when I was 3, and 8. This woman stepped in, and took their a place. To us she was "Grandma" and that's what she wanted to be.

When I was twelve, my mom, her and myself piled into her car for our regular lunch date. Except this time when we left the restaurant, a car sped through a light and T-boned us, hitting her side. My mom and her were air-lifted to a hospital two hours away, while I remained unharmed. My pastor at the time headed down to the hospital where he sat and prayed with them and talked with them for hours.

This was another memory she looked back at. She was so grateful for the act of kindness, and she never forgot it.

She met all but one of my mom's grandchildren-- she held each one. They were her family too.

When she had to give up her home and move to the city to live in an assisted care community she wrote letters to my mom.

We visted her when we could.

We'd offer to take her out to eat and she wouldn't go unless her hair was done and her makeup was on. A lady always looked her best when she went out.

She feared we'd forget her. She feared she'd get old, and die and we wouldn't think of her, so she'd give us little mementos when we visited. There's a small angel pin I have now-- a reminder that I';; never need.

This morning, she breathed her last breath. She joined her husband, her son, and her grandson.

She was all that was class, and goodness, and beauty, and I will miss her so much. She used to say "I don't know what he's (God) keeping me around for."

We all knew. It was because she brought a light to our world that we would never be ready to let go of.

-Michelle

Day 84

Dear Uterus,

I want to preface this by saying that I'm writing this in the least Emo way possible..

*ahem*

Ever since everything happened, I think about death, a lot.

Not in a dark and twisty way, but in an accepting way.

If you're anywhere under 60, it's probably not your favorite topic. You don't want to think about your death.

I'm 25. I don't want to think about dying for at least 90 more years. Nope, not  typo-- I'm gonna look awesome at 115.

Then, something like this happens and you realize. Holy crap... all those cliche movie moments can actually happen. Life is short.

Glen and I have only talked about the "what ifs" in very far off and non-decisive terms. Which means that had things have taken a different turn, he would have had no idea what I wanted.

I know it's a dark topic, but it's sooooo important.

Would I have wanted to be kept on life support 1 month? 3? What is the time where I'm comfortable with him saying-- "She tried."?

The moral of this one??

Life really IS short.

One second, one action, one event... it can change everything.

-Michelle

Day 83

Dear Uterus,

I vlogged today for the first time since I made my announcement about everything.. vlogging, much like this, allows me to sit down-- to set a moment of my day away to just process emotions.

I started doing a recap and it quickly became something else.

One of the things I spoke about was something I've briefly touched on here, but want to take a minute and focus on-- to try to explain or expand in it.

To the people that don't read this, one day in June I got bored, walked into a salon and came out with blue hair.

To a lot of people, they probably think I'm making a statement, or trying to follow a new trend. Others might think I'm acting immature....

To me, it was a lot more.

The first time I cut my hair (other than trimming the dead ends) was in high school. I cut off about 8 inches, so it went from being past my tail bone to being in the middle of my back. I started parting my hair to the side, and I had a side-swept bang (you all remember those, right?) I waited another almost 5 years before my next change-- this time I chopped it off and died it black.

And then I grew it out again.

My hair has always been a big part of me.

When all of this happened, I ACHED every time I looked in the mirror. I felt so differently than I ever had, and my reflection didn't reflect that.

No one sees my hysterectomy scar. They can't see that you are no longer there. They just see me.

The problem was-- I didn't see me.

So, I made a change- a change I could see. Something that had never been part of me before. I had my hair dyed blue.

And it looks awesome-- but really-- it feels awesome.

It looks like me when I look in the mirror now.

The point in this really isn't my hair-- its that I needed to do and be and look like who I felt inside. I needed to be able to look in the mirror so I could move forward.

So the next time someone I know is struggling-- I'm going to tell them to do what makes them feel whole again-- and screw what everyone else says.

-Michelle

Day 82

Dear Uterus, 

It's interesting how the way this all has affected my reactions to things.

As a surrogate, I'd have liked to think I was keenly aware of the horrible thing it is to want a child and be denied. I mean, that's WHY I became a surrogate. That's why I did it a second time. I hated that I had one month of kind of trying and Boom, Pregnant. I didn't have any issues... I never experienced a loss...

If I saw a person, in person, online, on a tv show... that couldn't have children, I said "I'd totally carry her babies."

And I meant it. 

Today, I was re-watching the TV show Revenge.

This episode, the main female character finds out she can no longer have children. She breaks down, falls to her knees and throws something.. and instead of saying "I'd have her babies", I said-- "I've been there." and I felt my heart clench for that fictional character in a way it wouldn't have before.

As with most things, you really can't understand something until you've been there.

-Michelle

Aug 25- Day 81

Dear Uterus,

Barring a random act of God, surrogacy or adoption won't be available to us for at least two years.

Instead of focusing on the things I can't currently do, I'm going to focus on what I can do in those two years.

In no particular order:

• Finish my book(s)
•  One of my longest dreams has been to become published. I've spent the last 4 years with a bad case of pregnancy brain that didn't allow me to concentrate, and now I can.
• Watch my son start pre-k
•  This is still slightly undecided. I'm not sure if I'll just keep him at home until Kinder or not.
• Get my Paralegal degree (I can't believe I'll have a degree in a year!!) 
• Which reminds me... I need to test out of some classes.
• Watch my husband get his Computer Science degree.
• And then move to wherever his first job takes him
• Donate Eggs
• I have to wait at least 1 year past all the transfusions, so 10 months more!
• Lose weight
• I've gained weight back since losing it all. Primarily because I don't go out and exercise due to my current issue and I've been admittedly emotional eating. 

I know I've talked about some of these before, but I really want to focus on this. Living for an unknown future doesn't make any of this any easier. 

-Michelle

Day 80

Dear Uterus,

Today I realized how fast September is approaching.

It's a big month.

September 9 marks the two-year birthday of the Twins, as well as the 1 year anniversary of  Baby Boy's transfer..

Then 2 days later I see the new doctor in hopes of putting my latest side-effect behind me and moving closer to having no physical proof of all the CRAP I went through in June.

Really-- it's crap.

I'm a bit pissed at it today actually. Pardon the language.

It was a crappy thing that shouldn't happen to a generally NOT CRAPPY person.

That is all.

-Michelle

Day 79

Dear Uterus,

"Nothing is so painful to the human mind as a great and sudden change."

I saw that quote today-- it's from the book Frankenstein.

I can't tell you how much this resonated with me.

When I make think about it, it makes a lot of sense.

When we lose someone, we mourn their loss-- we mourn that they are no longer in our lives. Change.

When we lose something, we lose the plans we had made for it-- and now we have to achieve our plans a different way. Change.

Today, I didn't hurt, but on the days I do-- the change is what hurts.

It was both the greatest and most sudden change I've ever experienced.

The physical change--- and the emotional.

-Michelle

Aug 22- Day 78

Dear Uterus,

I'm trying hard to focus on the present.

The past will never change, and will always be there.

The future is a mystery that I can't see.

So, I squeeze my son a little tighter today.

I set aside the dishes, and the vacuum, because hearing him laugh and seeing him smile is better than a clean floor-- and we can use paper plates tonight.

I don't want to be so focused on wondering what comes next that I miss out on all the nows.

-Michelle

Aug 21- Day 77

Dear Uterus,

Sometimes I think what is causing me the most pain, is how everything happened, and not what happened.

I've told you before of the fear I have-- the fear that one day I'll have to be put under again, and the idea of it makes my stomach sink.

Today, due to unfortunate circumstances, I saw a lot of extended family members that hadn't seen me since it all happened.

It touches me to know that they worried over me, but every time they say "We're so glad you're here with us, after everything" I'm wrenched back to that moment, right before I went under when I realized just how bad things were...

When I begged them. "Don't let me die."

I taste the gas. I feel the panic, and for a moment, I'm there on the table-- alone.

The idea that everything can change in such a brief amount of time terrifies me.

Here one day... gone the next.

I could have been gone.

-Michelle

Aug 20, 2015- Day 76

Dear Uterus,

Today I decided I won't apologize for my feelings.

They're valid.

My friends and family have been telling me this since the beginning, but I shrugged it off.

Sitting here, contemplating a conversation that's going to need to happen, and I realized it.

There are a lot of alternatives to how I'm dealing with this.

I could bottle it up. I could lie.

I don't choose to do that-- so I won't apologize for my feelings.

-Michelle

Day 75

Dear Uterus,

Today-- someone complained about their period.

Today, I smiled.

Small victories.

My healing isn't going to come in some miraculous wave. I won't wake up and not still be traumatized from all that happened, but it will ease. Today proved that.


-Michelle

Day 74

Dear Uterus,

I made this a little while back.

Someone had mentioned to me that I was in the processes of grief, and it made sense. You typically think of grief when you lose someone-- when a loved ones dies...

I hadn't considered it, but I had lost something-- the future I planned. And I was grieving it.

In a bit of humor, I made this. The first thirty days. My grief wasn't concise. I went back and forth a LOT. I didn't go in the order it went in, day by day, but you can see where I stayed mostly. You can see the groups I stayed in.

It actually helped to see this. So see that I was experiencing, to see what would come next.

So today, I share it with you.

-Michelle

Day 73

Dear Uterus,

It was a better today, than the days that have passed.

No particular reason, it was just better.

These days give me hope that one day, I really WILL laugh in the tampon aisle.

-Michelle

Day 72

Dear Uterus--

I gathered up some of my favorite maternity clothes (I think I want to make a quilt with them, so if I ever have another baby, they can be wrapped in them too).
I gathered up some of my favorite bibs of Cody's and blankets and towels (another, different quilt-- this one just for me).

Then.... I got a big box and started throwing all the pregnancy stuff in there.

That stuff hurts the most.

I found a pregnancy test-- unused-- forgotten in a box. Won't be needing that.
My doppler--- don't need that-- there's nothing to hear.
My belly supports, my post partum bands... they all went in the box, and people are picking up the box tomorrow-- because I don't want to see it right now. Let them enjoy something that only stings for me.

-Michelle

Aug 15th- Day 71

Dear Uterus,

The oddest things effect me.

Today we are driving down to the town we previously lived in. We still have a storage unit there. Inside, I knew I was going to find a LOT of baby things.

I saved all of it. Tons of clothes, all of his toys, a brand new pack-n-play, a stroller.... all of it. I told myself that this would all be stuff that I could use again, for our next one.

I bought a lot of gender neutral things specifically for this reason.

I was prepared to feel sad, and some things got a bit of a sigh out of me, but mostly I was okay.

I took a look and started throwing things into the back of the truck to be taken to a donation center.

I told myself that just because I was getting rid of things, didn't mean I was getting rid of the hope.

Still, there were those few things--

Little itty bitty nail clippers, bottles...a rattle.... those things stung, just a little bit.

-Michelle

Aug 14th- Day 70

Dear Uterus,

Today was better than yesterday.

I was  a little less angry, a little less teary....


I won't say that I'm fine-- because I'm not.

BUT-- I survived. I'll survive next time too.

One more thing down...

-Michelle

Day 69

Dear Uterus,

It happened today.

I thought I'd have more time to prepare...

Someone I know is pregnant--- and it's one of the ones I knew from the very beginning would bother me.

I haven't been able to feel excited about it.

So, I feel sad. Then, I feel sad on top for feeling sad.

There were some tears.

Some "Why??"s

Some Anger...

What a circle.

The idea of it makes my heart ache..

Then I ache more because I ache.

I hate this.

-Michelle

Day 68

Dear Uterus,

We are going to be emptying out a storage unit this weekend.

A while back I told you I didn't know what I wanted to do with my maternity clothes..

This storage unit has all the baby things I was saving for our next child. Toys of Cody's, a play yard... more clothes.

I know I need to do something with it all, but it's just another thing that makes it more final.

-Michelle

Day 67

Dear Uterus,

I've been feeling a little jealous lately.

I don't like that I am.

I've seen a couple posts from people that are joking about how people ask them if they want more babies and they run screaming away.

I've seen a few "oops" pregnancies....

They are all posts that should be posted... and people should definitely not have to think twice before posting something just because I might see it.

But still-- I'm jealous.

-Michelle

Day 66

Dear Uterus,

As you experience things, you slowly notice how you change.

A little over a year ago, we lived in a large 3 bedroom, 2.5 bath townhome, two floors, brand new appliances... At the time, I didn't even want to consider something smaller.

When the town we lived in seemed to rebel against us finding jobs, we were forced to temporarily live apart. Two months later, we moved... started school and found a smaller place that fit our new student budget. Now we live in a tiny, two bedroom one bath apartment that was built a good while ago.

As things change.. you do. We realized that we didn't NEED the huge place, the 3 toilets, the extra bedroom. We got rid of our second car, and kept only truck. We stopped eating out all the time, we tightened the reigns on our spending.


A year ago... heck... three months ago... I was absolutely never going to have children past the age of 30. That was too old for me.

I couldn't wait for Cody to start school.

I knew the month I would start trying to conceive our next child.  I wasn't going to let more than x amount of time pass between Cody and the next child.


There was NO way I was going to be one of those parents with ten years between their kids.

Now.... I might be thirty by the time we could afford an adoption or surrogacy. Cody might be closer to 8... he might not be... but he might.

I was studying Criminal Justice with the idea to go into profiling.

Now I'm in Paralegal Studies planning on pursuing a law degree and working in Family Law,

You don't think about how one thing can affect so many things-- how it can completely change your perspective.

-Michelle

Day 65

Dear Uterus--

Today I was thinking about infertility.

Henry and Haley (my surro-twins) mother had undergone several IVF attempts using both her own eggs and an egg donors eggs. They never achieved pregnancy.

Charlie's mother tried IVF and it didn't work. Suffered a miscarriage. Then naturally conceived their daughter, who was born early. After, they tried again and were unable to conceive another child. Then, we ended up both becoming pregnant and due a day a part.

Today I wondered what type of infertility is easiest... if that word can even be used to describe it.

I will live out the rest of my days knowing that there is absolutely no way that I will ever carry a pregnancy again.

Would I rather that or would I rather the endless amount of trying and hoping-- only to be disappointed month after month.

Part of me says knowing for sure it won't happen is easier... but then I think of my second IM and wish that I could just keep trying and hoping.

-Michelle

Day 64

Dear Uterus,

Today my 3(almost 4) year old asked when I was going to grow another baby.

I told him my tummy was broken.

He said "But-- you grew ((IM's)) baby."

"Yes, I did, but now my tummy is broken and I can't grow any more babies."

"I think you can. Try tomorrow."

-Michelle