Dear Uterus,
Some days I feel like I jinxed myself. Or maybe that I wasn't grateful enough for my ability to carry and it was taken away.
With Cody's pregnancy, I was both in love with and and wanting it over at the same time, which I'm going to say is probably normal. It was my first pregnancy, my first child. It was neat to see the changes in my body and feel his movements. Still, I wanted it over and him in my arms.
My second (well, third if you count the early miscarriage) was the Twins. And again, the pregnancy was sooooo neat. Twins brought a whole new oomph to the pregnancy that I hadn't experienced before. Plus, it was my first surrogate pregnancy, and that felt amazing. I was looking forward to giving the babies to S&J, but I loved the pregnancy.
With Charlie, nothing was new or different. I was SO HAPPY to give D&M a baby, but the pregnancy itself was nothing spectacular. I was happy to grow him, and care for him, but I didn't feel the excitement I had with my first two pregnancies. Also, this pregnancy was a lot more uncomfortable for me than even the twins had been, and I know there were days where I was just done and ready for it to be over.
So, in a way I feel like I jinxed myself-- like I didn't love this pregnancy as much and so the ability to have more was taken away. I know that's not why, but it feels like that.
Almost a week ago my doctor started me on a anti-depression medication, not for depression, but for the side effect it caused-- which would hopefully help with my bladder issues until surgery happened. Ironically, a side-effect of the medication for depression can be..... depression.
I wouldn't go so far as to say I'm depressed.. yet, but I can definitely feel a change. I had been climbing up from the sadness that all this caused, and now I'm at a point where thinking about it-- thinking about how close I came to death-- thinking about how I will never feel a baby move inside me again, it physically hurts. I feel like it's crushing me on the inside.
When I don't think about, I'm fine, but when I let my mind wander I go back to the place I was when I started this blog.
I don't know if it's the medication, or just a little regression in my overall healing... but I don't like it.
Hugs and Love,
Michelle
Some days I feel like I jinxed myself. Or maybe that I wasn't grateful enough for my ability to carry and it was taken away.
With Cody's pregnancy, I was both in love with and and wanting it over at the same time, which I'm going to say is probably normal. It was my first pregnancy, my first child. It was neat to see the changes in my body and feel his movements. Still, I wanted it over and him in my arms.
My second (well, third if you count the early miscarriage) was the Twins. And again, the pregnancy was sooooo neat. Twins brought a whole new oomph to the pregnancy that I hadn't experienced before. Plus, it was my first surrogate pregnancy, and that felt amazing. I was looking forward to giving the babies to S&J, but I loved the pregnancy.
With Charlie, nothing was new or different. I was SO HAPPY to give D&M a baby, but the pregnancy itself was nothing spectacular. I was happy to grow him, and care for him, but I didn't feel the excitement I had with my first two pregnancies. Also, this pregnancy was a lot more uncomfortable for me than even the twins had been, and I know there were days where I was just done and ready for it to be over.
So, in a way I feel like I jinxed myself-- like I didn't love this pregnancy as much and so the ability to have more was taken away. I know that's not why, but it feels like that.
Almost a week ago my doctor started me on a anti-depression medication, not for depression, but for the side effect it caused-- which would hopefully help with my bladder issues until surgery happened. Ironically, a side-effect of the medication for depression can be..... depression.
When I don't think about, I'm fine, but when I let my mind wander I go back to the place I was when I started this blog.
I don't know if it's the medication, or just a little regression in my overall healing... but I don't like it.
Hugs and Love,
Michelle
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