Dear Uterus,
We are approaching C's six month birthday. That means we're also approaching 6 months since we separated. Almost a half of a year has passed. How is that possible?
When I was in high school, I had the typical 'girl' thoughts. My best friend is skinnier. I'm soooo fat. I wished I had bigger boobs... you get the idea.
Still, I never hated my body.
I would look in the mirror and think, "Hey, I look good today. I'm pretty."
When I got pregnant with Cody I loved watching my belly grow and change. I felt beautiful. I was growing a person.
Cody gave me stretchmarks from Hell. I still felt beautiful. I earned those.
The twins lengthened those stretchmarks, and gave me a c-section scar. The scar didn't bother me too much. Few saw it, and I didn't care if they did. I earned those. I grew two people.
C gave me a 'new' scar. My old one was cut away, and a new one was in it's place. I had that scar for 6 days. For 6 days, I had another marker of something I did (albeit a slightly crappy and crooked one.. but a mark).
I still have the stretchmarks, but they're fading.
My skin is EVER SO SLOWLY shrinking back.
I don't have either c-section scar any more.
Instead I have the scar from the hysterectomy, and for the first time in my entire life. I didn't like what I saw when I looked in the mirror.
That sounds vain, doesn't it?
The hysterectomy scar is in the same place as the c-section ones. It's a little longer (almost 9 inches), and for a scar it's not horrible.
Yet instead of representing the babies I carried, it only represents everything I lost. I lost an organ. I lost the possibility of ever delivering another child. That scar represents darkness.
So, a few nights ago I took a picture. Tonight I'll share it with you.
You didn't ask to see it, you could probably care less. Still, I need to show you. I need to reach a point where I can look at it and say "I earned this. This is proof I survived." My first step is not hiding it.
I have yet another scar beneath it. In the center, about an inch and half down is a scar from my most recent surgery. Another reminder of something negative.
-Michelle
We are approaching C's six month birthday. That means we're also approaching 6 months since we separated. Almost a half of a year has passed. How is that possible?
When I was in high school, I had the typical 'girl' thoughts. My best friend is skinnier. I'm soooo fat. I wished I had bigger boobs... you get the idea.
Still, I never hated my body.
I would look in the mirror and think, "Hey, I look good today. I'm pretty."
When I got pregnant with Cody I loved watching my belly grow and change. I felt beautiful. I was growing a person.
Cody gave me stretchmarks from Hell. I still felt beautiful. I earned those.
The twins lengthened those stretchmarks, and gave me a c-section scar. The scar didn't bother me too much. Few saw it, and I didn't care if they did. I earned those. I grew two people.
C gave me a 'new' scar. My old one was cut away, and a new one was in it's place. I had that scar for 6 days. For 6 days, I had another marker of something I did (albeit a slightly crappy and crooked one.. but a mark).
I still have the stretchmarks, but they're fading.
My skin is EVER SO SLOWLY shrinking back.
I don't have either c-section scar any more.
Instead I have the scar from the hysterectomy, and for the first time in my entire life. I didn't like what I saw when I looked in the mirror.
That sounds vain, doesn't it?
The hysterectomy scar is in the same place as the c-section ones. It's a little longer (almost 9 inches), and for a scar it's not horrible.
Yet instead of representing the babies I carried, it only represents everything I lost. I lost an organ. I lost the possibility of ever delivering another child. That scar represents darkness.
So, a few nights ago I took a picture. Tonight I'll share it with you.
You didn't ask to see it, you could probably care less. Still, I need to show you. I need to reach a point where I can look at it and say "I earned this. This is proof I survived." My first step is not hiding it.
I have yet another scar beneath it. In the center, about an inch and half down is a scar from my most recent surgery. Another reminder of something negative.
-Michelle
Michelle here is an article on uterine transplants. All hope is not lost. http://www.npr.org/sections/thetwo-way/2014/10/04/353691555/a-first-uterus-transplant-gives-parents-a-healthy-baby
ReplyDeleteHere is a link for a clinical trial in Clevland:
http://my.clevelandclinic.org/services/uterus-transplant
Thank you, I will reach out to them.
DeleteHello,
ReplyDeleteI am 2 weeks postpartum from carrying surrogacy twins. I have watched your videos since I first become a surrogate. I loved watching each step in your surrogacies. I new this was something I wanted to do more than once. I have 4 amazing kids and love being pregnant. I first saw your status of the ordea u went through on Facebook one of the surrogacy sites. It was when you where still in the hospital I prayed for you and could not imagine what you and your family where going through. Ever since I read your story I just had this bad feeling inside me for good reason now.! I was just released from the hospital 2 days ago. I had to have a D&c and a balloon placed. I am still not in the clear for having a hysterectomy we are just waiting to see if my uterus will do what it suppose to. I went through the same clotting spells as you and ended up in the ER bleeding bad. After the D&C when I was in recovery I went into shock from losing to much blood and was rushed back into surgery. The OB on call choose to do a balloon instead of the hysterectomy but my OB joined him half way through and said if it where her who started she would have just gone with the hysterectomy she did not want to mess with losing me as I was losing to much blood to fast. I ended up having 5 units of blood and 1 bag of plasma. Im home now but very very weak and every drop of blood makes me freak out. I cry most nights looking at my kids thinking about how they could have lost me. I did not go through as much as you by any means but your story and strength has helped me. Your an amazing person for the things you have done and I'm so very sorry for your loss.