Dear Uterus
Another late night blog. It's technically tomorrow again, but to me it's still yesterday.
If either one of my IMs (intended mother(s)) had said they weren't a woman because they couldn't carry a child, I would have scolded them. They were both beautiful an wonderful and definitely women. Even my first IM, who had never been pregnant and who had a hysterectomy half way though my pregnancy.
But today I feel like I'm not myself. I feel like everything that made me a woman is gone. I can't have babies. I can't be pregnant. I won't ever have a period again. I don't even need annual pap smears anymore.
I won't necessarily miss bleeding every month. I won't miss having to go in and get swabbed every year. I don't know of any woman that would. I miss what they meant though.
I'm only 3 weeks post having a baby, I still have the pregnancy weight, I still have the loose tummy skin. Yet I don't have the thing that MADE that happen.
In a subtle way, I feel like I'm having a bit of an identity crisis. Who am I?
For over 4 years I've either been pregnant, lactating, matching as a surrogate or preparing to be pregnant again.
I look at myself in the mirror and can almost feel a hollow spot inside of my abdomen, a hole I don't know how to fill.
I went shopping today, bought some clothes I probably wouldn't have picked out normally. I've been looking at different hair styles.. I need something different, and I can't explain it.
-Michelle
Another late night blog. It's technically tomorrow again, but to me it's still yesterday.
If either one of my IMs (intended mother(s)) had said they weren't a woman because they couldn't carry a child, I would have scolded them. They were both beautiful an wonderful and definitely women. Even my first IM, who had never been pregnant and who had a hysterectomy half way though my pregnancy.
But today I feel like I'm not myself. I feel like everything that made me a woman is gone. I can't have babies. I can't be pregnant. I won't ever have a period again. I don't even need annual pap smears anymore.
I won't necessarily miss bleeding every month. I won't miss having to go in and get swabbed every year. I don't know of any woman that would. I miss what they meant though.
I'm only 3 weeks post having a baby, I still have the pregnancy weight, I still have the loose tummy skin. Yet I don't have the thing that MADE that happen.
In a subtle way, I feel like I'm having a bit of an identity crisis. Who am I?
For over 4 years I've either been pregnant, lactating, matching as a surrogate or preparing to be pregnant again.
I look at myself in the mirror and can almost feel a hollow spot inside of my abdomen, a hole I don't know how to fill.
I went shopping today, bought some clothes I probably wouldn't have picked out normally. I've been looking at different hair styles.. I need something different, and I can't explain it.
-Michelle
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