Dear Uterus--
Today I experienced another first.
I had to tell someone I didn't know, and had never met, that I could no longer carry a baby.
In the first few day or so after the hysterectomy, I didn't tell anyone. Family knew, the parents of my last surro-baby knew, and a friend knew. I didn't want to tell everyone-- for several reasons. First, and foremost, it made it real. Second, I didn't want to talk about it. Third-- I didn't want pity.
Today I went to a salon and got my hair done. It was needed. For some unknown reason looking in the mirror and seeing something slightly different looking back, made me feel better.
Stylists always chat. I'm not sure if they learn that in school or they are naturaly chatty people, but they chat. They have a way of finding out your entire life story somewhere between foils and a blow dry.
She was asking me about my family and when she got to the children question-- I mentioned my son. "Oh is that the only baby you've had?" I know she meant 'Is that yourr only child" and a normal person would have said "yes". I could have said yes, but I didn't. I paused trying to figure out how to answer. If I said yes, I somehow felt like I was de-valuing the twins and baby boy. If I explained the surrogacy I knew she would ask about it. Everyone always asks. It's something I've always loved chatting about.
I sucked up some air-courage and said "He's my only child, but I was a surrogate twice." We chatted a bit, she asked if I felt different towards them then my son. I explained gestational vs. traditional surrogacy. She asked me when I had had the boy, I told her 3ish weeks ago. She was surprised, she said I didn't look like I just had a baby.
What a liar, but at least she's a nice liar.
Then she asked if I would do it again.
Would I do it again? Yes. Could I-- that's the real question. Another deep breath-- and I told her. "I had to have an emergency hysterectomy after his delivery"
"Why?"
I don't know. Because life sucks sometimes. Because shitty things happen to people. Because somehow Karma confused me with someone else.
I wasn't angry at her question, but I wasn't prepared for it. I should have been-- but I wasn't.
Why? Because I hemorrhaged, I told her, and the topic moved on to other things.
It was hard telling friends, and I luckily wasn't the one that told family. The doctor's told my mom, my husband, my mother in law, and they told the rest of the family. I told all of my friends via a short update on Facebook. It was easier that way. No immediate contact required. I could think about answers, reflect on questions.
In person is so much harder, and I know it's not the last time... it's nowhere near the last time.
-Michelle
Today I experienced another first.
I had to tell someone I didn't know, and had never met, that I could no longer carry a baby.
In the first few day or so after the hysterectomy, I didn't tell anyone. Family knew, the parents of my last surro-baby knew, and a friend knew. I didn't want to tell everyone-- for several reasons. First, and foremost, it made it real. Second, I didn't want to talk about it. Third-- I didn't want pity.
Today I went to a salon and got my hair done. It was needed. For some unknown reason looking in the mirror and seeing something slightly different looking back, made me feel better.
Stylists always chat. I'm not sure if they learn that in school or they are naturaly chatty people, but they chat. They have a way of finding out your entire life story somewhere between foils and a blow dry.
She was asking me about my family and when she got to the children question-- I mentioned my son. "Oh is that the only baby you've had?" I know she meant 'Is that yourr only child" and a normal person would have said "yes". I could have said yes, but I didn't. I paused trying to figure out how to answer. If I said yes, I somehow felt like I was de-valuing the twins and baby boy. If I explained the surrogacy I knew she would ask about it. Everyone always asks. It's something I've always loved chatting about.
I sucked up some air-courage and said "He's my only child, but I was a surrogate twice." We chatted a bit, she asked if I felt different towards them then my son. I explained gestational vs. traditional surrogacy. She asked me when I had had the boy, I told her 3ish weeks ago. She was surprised, she said I didn't look like I just had a baby.
What a liar, but at least she's a nice liar.
Then she asked if I would do it again.
Would I do it again? Yes. Could I-- that's the real question. Another deep breath-- and I told her. "I had to have an emergency hysterectomy after his delivery"
"Why?"
I don't know. Because life sucks sometimes. Because shitty things happen to people. Because somehow Karma confused me with someone else.
I wasn't angry at her question, but I wasn't prepared for it. I should have been-- but I wasn't.
Why? Because I hemorrhaged, I told her, and the topic moved on to other things.
It was hard telling friends, and I luckily wasn't the one that told family. The doctor's told my mom, my husband, my mother in law, and they told the rest of the family. I told all of my friends via a short update on Facebook. It was easier that way. No immediate contact required. I could think about answers, reflect on questions.
In person is so much harder, and I know it's not the last time... it's nowhere near the last time.
-Michelle
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