June 30, 2015- Day 25

Dear Uterus,

I have always been sentimental toward objects-- not really places.

So, it was a surprise to me how bitter-sweet these last few days have been. We I wanted to get away from our house and town after everything, so as soon as I was physically able, we went to visit family a few hours away.

We drove past the house we brought Cody home to, the same one that I carried the twins in and recovered after them.

Bitter-Sweet.

Sweet memories of little baby Cody.

Experiencing a twin pregnancy-- the ups (mostly) and a few downs. Experiencing my first surrogacy.

Bitter reminders-- I rushed through both of those pregnancies-- anxious to get to the next part. I didn't enjoy them as much as I could have... and now I never will. 

Another thing down-- another thing that will be easier next time.

-Michelle

Day 24

Dear Uterus--

My third pregnancy was supposed to be my own pregnancy, but then a surrogacy sort of fell into out laps, then out of our laps, then a match failed, and then we found this last couple.

Originally though, our plan was us, someone else, us, someone else, and then an altruistic (non-paid) surrogacy for a friend or family member.

Part of me is a little sad that I did't go with the original plan--- a very small part.

For us, right now, it's better that we do only have the one child.

 I also have to be thankful I think that it was a surrogacy.

I wanted a birth center birth for our next baby. I wanted a midwife. I wanted to be able to go to 43 weeks if the baby was healthy because I didn't want to be on a time restraint.

I have to be thankful that it was a surrogate pregnancy because I had to deliver at a hospital. I have to be thankful because I was pushed into delivering in a set time-frame.

I was verging on percreta (the placenta going through the uterus and into nearby organs-- this can be deadly just in itself). I would have delivered vaginally and I would have thought the extra bleeding was normal-- I bled more in my vaginal than in my first c-section.

I hate the circumstances--- but I have to be grateful for parts of them.

-Michelle

June 28th 2015 -Day 23

Dear Uterus,

Tomorrow will be one month since surro baby boy was delivered. On that day I wasn't sure if I would ever have my ideal delivery. I was having a c section I didnt want. I felt rushed to have him...

Never in my mind did I consider that that would be my last delivery, period. I knew I would be taking a small break (we had planned two years) but I was already thinking about how next time I was in that hospital we would be having our baby.

Goes to show how fast things can really change...

To a point, it gives me a new perspective, I am learning to appreciate things more, and for that I have to be grateful.

On a different side though, it makes me fearful. The doctor explained to me that at my 6 week check he will need to check and make sure they were able to completely remove my cervix. If not I would have to have another procedure done to remove it. That terrifies me. Surgery never scared me before.

I cannot imagine having to ever be put under again. I can barely even write about the idea of it. My stomach is churning and the possibility of it is so super low.

The blackness and unknowing of anesthesia sends chills down me. Last time they put me under I should have died. I never would have woke up and there are so many things left for me to do...

I really cannot express the fear I feel of ever going under again... ever.

-Michelle

June 27, 2015- Day 22

Dear Uterus--

Three weeks.

Three weeks that I've made it. I can't say at the moment if it's become any easier yet. I still have days when I'm okay, and days when I'm less so. Since the beginning of this all I've cried twice, and got a little teary once.

I'm not sure if that's because I have some upstanding amount "keeping my chin up-ed-ness" or because everyone is still walking on egg shells around me or messaging me to see how I'm doing. People asking my how I'm doing makes me actually stop and think about it-- and I think that's good for me. I stop, and actually think about how and what I'm feeling-- and why. A lot of the times that's where these entries start from. I might have went my whole day without really thinking about it all, until someone says that.

I'm glad it makes me think. It means I'm not holding it all inside.


-Michelle

June 26, 2015- Day 21

Dear Uterus,

I don't love when people say things happen for a reason. It's not to say that I don't even believe that to an extent. We go through things and we end up growing in ways we may not have grown before.

But right now I don't see an "upside" to this.

So far the only things I've learned are negative. I've learned that doctors make epic screw ups sometimes. I've learned that Karma really doesn't exist.

Well Michelle, now you'll be able to adopt all the babies that people who shouldn't have babies, are having....

I was already open to that. It was already a plan... and while we're on that subject, why the heck am I the one that loses their ability to conceive when there ARE people who have no right bringing more babies into this world. 

I've mentioned it before, and I realize to some it seems confusing. I'm not so much bitter about the fact that I can no longer have children the 'normal' way. I don't love it, it has played with my emotions, it did stir things in me I didn't expect... but I do know we will grow our family in one way or another.

So yes, I know you're trying to help me sort through things, and I'm glad you are taking the time out to even talk to me about it... but right now, that doesn't help. Right now, I could care less what the epic end-plan for me is. Right now, I just think this sucks.

-Michelle

June 25th 2015- Day 20

Dear Uterus--

We always planned on expanding our family through adoption. It was one of the reasons I knew I wouldn't go completely crazy if something like this were to happen. I would just adopt two children, rather than one. It's why I still decided to be a surrogate even though I wasn't "done" with my family.

I don't know if everyone understands that I'm still okay with that. I don't hate the idea of expanding our family that way. I'm not depressed because I wasn't able to carry another child.

Yes, I would have liked to. I would have like to carry a couple more... but it's not that that really bothers me.

I don't like that I didn't get a choice. I don't like that I didn't have time to prepare. I didn't even have seconds to prepare. I didn't know until I woke up and it was already done.

If the accreta would have been found out from early on I would have had most of the pregnancy to come to terms with it.

Heck, even if the doctor had saw it at the c-section I would have minutes to process. Instead I wake up, tube down my throat, and all my plans for the next few years are forever changed.

I don't do change well.

I have spent the past few years reading the stories of intended parents, reading about their struggles with infertility, and in the end, choosing two of them to carry a baby (or two) for.

Now I'm on the other side. Now I have a story of infertility.

Now I look at IVF costs, and legal costs, and adoption costs. Now we have to weigh all of our options. Can I ask another surrogate to risk going through all that I did. Even if they are done with their family and have absolutely no regard for their uterine outcome (is that a thing?)-- I almost died. I almost left my son without a mother-- how can I ask someone else to do that?

I tell myself the chances are slim---- but they were slim for me too.

Now I try to figure out how many years it will take to be able to afford an IVF procedure and all the fees associated with a surrogate (even if she carries for free). At the bare minimum-- 2 years. More than likely 3. More on that tomorrow.....

So If I go the adoption route-- how can I accept the possible years and years of waiting. The possible letdowns when a birth mother decides to keep the baby or chooses another family?

How do you do that?

-Michelle

June 24, 2015- Day 19

Dear Uterus,

Another late night/early morning entry. 

I had a doctor's appointment yesterday (the 23rd). 

It was weird to sit and talk about how my life would or would not be affected by your absence. 

For every OB appointment I have went to in the last 4 years, it's always been pregnancy or post baby related. This is the first time we didn't talk about future plans, or birth control options. I don't need to wait a certain amount of time before conceiving. I don't need to choose between a pill or a shot.

Instead I get to be thankful to not be put on hormones. I get told how much easier menopause would be.The doctor wasn't trying to be inseneitive, in honesty he handled it about as well as he could have. It still stung. 

I am 25. I don't want to be thinking about menopause. 

-Michelle

Day 18

Dear Uterus

A bit lot of the bitterness is coming back. I had tried to put it from my mind, but then 'The One' person says something and I want to smack them.

I knew from early on there would be a few select people that I would not handle pregnancy or trying to conceive announcements from-- The One in particular. 

She says she would "just deal with it" if it happened to her. 

I would like to see that. NOT it happening, but if it did I would like to see her just carry on as if all was fine and normal. 

I don't want to feel like this-- but I do ask myself-- 'Out of the two of us-- why was it ME that had to lose her uterus?'

I  have had uncomplicated pregnancies. Everyone said I was "made for having babies". I did good things. I helped make families. I think Karma/The Powers that Be/God/Whoever is in charge got their signal crossed that day.

One day she is going to call and say she is pregnant and I won't be able to deal with it. I won't be able to smile. 

I know I've touched on this before-- but it hurts today. It hurts because it was me. It hurts because of what she says about it all (not to me directly but to others in conversation about me) IT hurts because I don't want to be bitter, but I am. I'm not a bitter person. This person, this One person, makes me bitter everytime I think about her. 

-Michelle

 

Day 17

Dear Uterus--

Today I experienced another first.

I had to tell someone I didn't know, and had never met, that I could no longer carry a baby.

In the first few day or so after the hysterectomy, I didn't tell anyone. Family knew, the parents of my last surro-baby knew, and a friend knew. I didn't want to tell everyone-- for several reasons. First, and foremost, it made it real. Second, I didn't want to talk about it. Third-- I didn't want pity.

Today I went to a salon and got my hair done. It was needed. For some unknown reason looking in the mirror and seeing something slightly different looking back, made me feel better.

Stylists always chat. I'm not sure if they learn that in school or they are naturaly chatty people, but they chat. They have a way of finding out your entire life story somewhere between foils and a blow dry.

She was asking me about my family and when she got to the children question-- I mentioned my son.  "Oh is that the only baby you've had?" I know she meant 'Is that yourr only child" and a normal person would have said "yes". I could have said yes, but I didn't. I paused trying to figure out how to answer. If I said yes, I somehow felt like I was de-valuing the twins and baby boy. If I explained the surrogacy I knew she would ask about it. Everyone always asks. It's something I've always loved chatting about.

I sucked up some air-courage and said "He's my only child, but I was a surrogate twice." We chatted a bit, she asked if I felt different towards them then my son. I explained gestational vs. traditional surrogacy. She asked me when I had had the boy, I told her 3ish weeks ago. She was surprised, she said I didn't look like I just had a baby.

What a liar, but at least she's a nice liar.

Then she asked if I would do it again.

Would I do it again? Yes. Could I-- that's the real question. Another deep breath-- and I told her. "I had to have an emergency hysterectomy after his delivery"

"Why?"

I don't know. Because life sucks sometimes. Because shitty things happen to people. Because somehow Karma confused me with someone else.

I wasn't angry at her question, but I wasn't prepared for it. I should have been-- but I wasn't.

Why? Because I hemorrhaged, I told her, and the topic moved on to other things.

It was hard telling friends, and I luckily wasn't the one that told family. The doctor's told my mom, my husband, my mother in law, and they told the rest of the family. I told all of my friends via a short update on Facebook. It was easier that way. No immediate contact required. I could think about answers, reflect on questions.

In person is so much harder, and I know it's not the last time... it's nowhere near the last time.

-Michelle