6 Things to NEVER Say to Someone Who Can't Have Kids

Number 1: "There are worst things that could happen."

There are. I lost my uterus. I could have lost my uterus and my life. I could have lost my uterus while skydiving, landing on on someone's campfire and getting 1st degree burns... it could be worse. I know that. However, right then, in that moment-- it feels pretty damn crappy.







Number 2: "Trust me, having more then one isn't all it's cracked up to be."

Or just a plain "having kids isn't that great." Says the person who has 2, 3, 4, or 5 kids. You had a choice. When I become a millionaire I'll make sure to tell you having buckets of cash isn't really that great.





Number 3: "Clearly God has another plan for you."

I'm sure you don't mean to be insensitive, but what your just told me is: "God doesn't want you to have children/ any more children. He doesn't care what you want. He thinks you should feel void and alone for ever."

Just lost your job? Have no idea how you're going to pay your mortgage? Clearly, God has another plan for you.



Number 4: "Well, at least you already have one child."

Having a child doesn't take away the pain away when you find out you can't have more. It doesn't mean that that child is loved or valued any less. There is a lot of emotions that come into play-- a lot of things you have to accept. The choice was taken from you and you have to re-envision the life you planned.

Number 5: "I know how you feel, I..."

Unless that sentence ends with, "can't conceive" or "lost my uterus", stop right there. Just stop. Would you go up to an amputee and say, "I know how you feel, I lost a hat once..."?



Number 6: "You should just adopt." OR "Well, use a surrogate."

The last time you conceived, was your ability to procreate based solely on the your bank account?
Surrogacy can cost upwards of $100,000 dollars. Adoption can be both financially and emotionally expensive. There is no "just" in either of those scenarios.

You want a new car? Well, just go get one.

263 Days

Dear Uterus,

It's been awhile since I've written-- 3 months in fact. 

I stopped writing because I was doing a little better. The things that I experienced were still painful, but they didn't consume me like they once had. 

Occasionally I'd think about writing something, but something else always came up and it just didn't happen.

So, let's do a quick recap. 

I had the hysterectomy on 06/06/2015.

5 Weeks later, I woke up and realized I was "leaking"

By the next day I realized it was Urine. (bleh!)

I went to two OBs and a Urologist. 

They decided I was incontinent and we had surgery to fix a bladder prolapse. (My bladder was falling into places it shouldn't be.)

Because I have amazing luck, my outpatient surgery on October 14th, 2015 turned into a 2 day hospital stay. A week later I took my catheter out and discovered that I was still "incontinent".

No one wants to be incontinent, but at 25, and after everything I had been through-- that was depressing. 

On February 2nd of 2016, I finally was able to see the Urologist again. I told him all my thoughts and he decided to perform a test to see if I had a fistula (a hole that forms between two things that shouldn't be there). The test was NOT COMFORTABLE. At first he didn't see anything and just when he was about to think of another test, the scope spotted what I knew was there all along.

I did have a fistula-- caused by yet another error from the OB who missed the holes in my uterus. 

On February 3rd I went in for a semi-emergent surgery. When I awoke they informed me I'd be staying a little longer because they had to go in through my abdomen to reach the issue.

I went home two days later with a new scar in place of the one from the hysterectomy, and a 14-day catheter. 

2 weeks later I took that sucker out--- and no more urine.

For the first time in 7 months I did not have to wear a diaper. Something that no 25 year old person should ever say. 

I'm still sore-- obviously-- but I feel better. I feel like finally, almost NINE months after my hysterectomy-- I'm done with it all.... or at least the physical side of things.

Today I spoke to another lawyer. 

I wanted a second opinion-- I wanted validation that I was choosing the right thing to let it go (legally, at least). Again I was told that I had a winning case. I was injured. The doctor did wrong. It was horrible. Again I was told that I fell into a gap. I didn't sustain anything so traumatic as to make me not walk or be unable to work, so I wouldn't even make back the money I spent winning the case--- by winning the case.

So-- physically, and legally I'm moving on. 

Emotionally-- it still stings. It's very much like a sunburn. It doesn't hurt me all the time, but occasionally something brushes against it and reminds me that it's there.

I need emotional aloe-vera. 

Love, Michelle

Nov. 18th-23rd: Days 166-171

Dear Uterus,

We are approaching C's six month birthday. That means we're also approaching 6 months since we separated.  Almost a half of a year has passed. How is that possible?

When I was in high school, I had the typical 'girl' thoughts. My best friend is skinnier. I'm soooo fat. I wished I had bigger boobs... you get the idea.

Still, I never hated my body.

I would look in the mirror and think, "Hey, I look good today. I'm pretty."

When I got pregnant with Cody I loved watching my belly grow and change. I felt beautiful. I was growing a person.

Cody gave me stretchmarks from Hell. I still felt beautiful. I earned those.

The twins lengthened those stretchmarks, and gave me a c-section scar. The scar didn't bother me too much. Few saw it, and I didn't care if they did. I earned those. I grew two people.

C gave me a 'new' scar. My old one was cut away, and a new one was in it's place. I had that scar for 6 days. For 6 days, I had another marker of something I did (albeit a slightly crappy and crooked one.. but a mark).

I still have the stretchmarks, but they're fading.

My skin is EVER SO SLOWLY shrinking back.

I don't have either c-section scar any more.

Instead I have the scar from the hysterectomy, and for the first time in my entire life. I didn't like what I saw when I looked in the mirror.

That sounds vain, doesn't it?

The hysterectomy scar is in the same place as the c-section ones. It's a little longer (almost 9 inches), and for a scar it's not horrible.

Yet instead of representing the babies I carried, it only represents everything I lost. I lost an organ. I lost the possibility of ever delivering another child.  That scar represents darkness.

So, a few nights ago I took a picture. Tonight I'll share it with you.

You didn't ask to see it, you could probably care less.  Still, I need to show you. I need to reach a point where I can look at it and say "I earned this. This is proof I survived." My first step is not hiding it.

I have yet another scar beneath it. In the center, about an inch and half down is a scar from my most recent surgery. Another reminder of something negative.

-Michelle

Nov. 4th-17th; Days 152-165

Dear Uterus,

I haven't felt the need to write in here for  two weeks.

The last few days I was starting to feel the urge and then life caught up with me.

I have piles of homework every week for college. I am looking and applying daily for jobs. I am working on craft orders. I'm being a mom. I'm also still healing.

In 5 month's I've had 3 fairly major surgeries.

I think I forget that my body is probably over it right now.

The latest surgery didn't work. Things are slightly better than before, but not by an amazing amount. I cannot describe how sucky that makes me feel. I still experience pain from the surgery and it's not like everything is all better so the pain is worth it.

I'm not sure what my next step will be. I won't let myself think that this is just my new reality. Still, financially we're stretched thin and I don't think I can afford any more surgeries or procedures in the near future.

In the past few days something has occurred to me. I don't feel like it's November, Mentally I'm still stuck in June.

I've went on a vacation, switched colleges, managed to get on the deans list, and I really have no idea how because I'm pretty sure I just coasted through all of it.

The last 5 and a half months were stolen from me.

Tonight in the shower I broke down crying and I had no idea why.

I got out, dried off and deactivated my Facebook.

I need a break from the babies and the pregnancy tests, but more than that I need a break from the people WHO DON'T GET IT.  I need a break from the people who are arguing over the most tricial of things and the only thing I can think of is: "Get over it, tomorrow it could end."

I'm not sure if that's a good or a bad way to think about things, but there it is.




I need a break from people complaining about being pregnant, and honestly, I need a break from Surrogacy.

Because right now my rose-colored glasses are off and I'm afraid I won't keep my mouth shut.

Hugs and Love.

Goodnight.

Oct. 29th- Nov. 3rd; Days 146-151

Dear Uterus,

It's a new month and I haven't written in about a week, so I figured I probably should.

I'm still recovering from surgery, and still in complete limbo on knowing whether or not it worked. I'm desperate to know one way or the other so I can either plan my next step or jump for joy.

I started off writing every day because I needed it. Eventually it went to every 2-3 days and now we're about once a week.

Tonight I needed to write.

Everyone is pregnant or having babies.. and I love it. I also hate it.

It's so confusing.

There are days when I want to block everyone that even mentions pregnancy, and days that I think all the pictures give me hope.

The only ones that don't bother me, are the surrogate pregnancies. Despite everything, I still love those. Yes, there is a twinge of pain when I see a bump, but I think I'm slowly growing used to the idea that I'll never be pregnant again.

I had three pregnancies, and I ROCKED them.

Surrogate pregnancies are easy because they don't take the baby home after.

I want to take a baby home. I want to experience that again. I feel cheated.

I am madly in love with Cody and every day he becomes a little more independent and needs me a little less. I want to hold on to him forever because I may not ever get the chance to hold on to another one.

I don't know how women deal with this for years. I can't even imagine dealing with it for another month.

-Michelle

October 22nd-28th; Days 139-145

Dear Urine Receptacle,

AHah! Did you notice what I did there?

I'm thinking that your  feeling unloved as the last 5 years of my life has been very uterine-centric. So this one is for you Bladder-face.

Please stop being a jerk.

In all seriousness-- later today is 2 weeks since the surgery. I was able to stop taking my heavy pain killers about a week after surgery. I was moving and sitting a lot better. In the past 3 or 4 days however, I'm hurting a lot. I'm guessing it's because it's all starting to heal, and maybe the internal stitches are breaking down a bit.

I took my catheter out (did I mention that last time) on the morning of the 19th. The next day I had my stitches out.

The next day I called the doctor back because my wonderful little "problem" was still there. They said not to be discouraged yet because I'm still healing. So I'm trying to think positive, but I can't help but thinking that every day it should get a little bit better if it's just because the bladder is healing, right?

I really wanted this all to be behind me so I can feel like I'm coming up on the more positive side of this entire thing, and it hasn't yet.

Help me out of this hole!

-Michelle

October 14th-21st; Days 131-138

Dear Uterus.

Yeah I know it's been awhile.

I had my surgery on the 14th, and as usual I managed to go screw it up.

My 2 hour surgery ended up being a 4 hour one. My outpatient procedure ended up being a 48 hour stay.

I love hospitals... so, so, much.

I researched the heck out of my c-sections. I talked to people who'd had them. I was prepared for the aftermath, and I understood the procedure as well as a non-doctor can.

This one-- there isn't a lot of people openly talking about bladder prolapses and randomly leaking urine. No one told me where the best place to buy depends was or what to expect when I woke up from surgery. I researched a bit, and understood some of the stuff, but even after the doctor talked to me I was completely clueless with what was really going to happen.

They went to do a cystocele (anterior) prolapse repair. This is, to my understanding, where they reposition the bladder up ansd away from the vaginal wall, where mine had falled into. Along with it, they put in a urethral sling, a small tension sling that holds the urethra up.

This is, on average, a two hour surgery. After the anterior prolapse was repaired they discovered I also had a significant rectocele (posterior) prolapse. So they fixed this as well. This, and the fact that I decided to bleed lots again, made it into the 4 hour surgery.

Before I went in, I was sitting in the sort of waiting area for non-emergent operations. I was in my own cubicle, but not on a bed, just a recliner with a tv and naked under a hospital gown. The nurse came in to talk to me and I we spoke about the anesthesia a little bit, the process, and etc. The one thing that had been terrifying me was the idea of going under again, I mentioned that to her-- even going as far as to ask if I could have a spinal instead. She told me she would talk to the anesthesiologist. A little while later, he came in, and he looked vaguely familiar, although I couldn't really place it.

He started asking me about my concerns and as I was telling him he stopped me and said "Now, when did this happen..?" I told him June. He said-- "You were the surrogate weren't you?" "Yes...?" "I was you anesthesiologist that day."

While the procedure was being done at a different hospital, he also worked with this one as well, and he remembered me.  We sat and chatted a little while. He told me his side of things, including a pirce of the puzzle I didn't find out. Apparently, he was struggling to keep me under as he normally would, whenever he would try, I would code-- so he had to use different methods. I'm not sure what they were and I didn't ask-- I was trying to process the fact that I had apparently come even closer to death than I thought-- I coded-- more than once.

HE said it sounded like I had a little PTSD after everything and told me he would make sure I had an anti-anxiety med before the anesthesia. That calmed me down a bit.

A little later he walked me down to the OR. I walked in, and climbed on the operating table myself. I laid back, and for a few seconds I was back in June, terrified and begging them  not to let me die. Then they talked to me. I can't remember what it was about but it was enough to get my mind off of everything as he put whatever juice into the IV that made me pretty much okay with everything. They told me they were starting the anesthesia and I breathed in and out slowly-- waiting for the moment where I couldn't breathe on my own and could feel my chest almost being paralyzed-- and it didn't come.

I woke up later that evening (the surgery started around 3ish) and was pretty out of it the rest of the night. I was in and out of consciousness, part from my awesome inability to wake up from anesthesia like a normal person, and partly because I was low on blood and for some reason had really low blood pressure.

The pain SUCKED. It reminded me of when I tore while delivering my son. Laying in bed hurt-- and the first time I tried to stand up I almost fell over from the pain. The next time I stood up I manged to walk into the bathroom and promptly passed out on the toilet.

I went home 2 days later with a catheter that I both got to keep in for 5 days, and also take out myself. Fun stuff.

After I took out the catheter I was super excited to be able to wear underwear again, and not a depends--- and then I started leaking. The verdict is currently out on whether it failed or if I just need some time to let my bladder settle a bit-- it has been through a lot in the past few months. The leaking isn't as bad as before, but it's still pretty bum-worthy.

Yesterday I had the abdominal sutures removed from where they had the scope placed. That was pretty easy.

Now I'm on pelvic rest and light duty for 6 weeks while I heal and the stitches dissolve. This cannot come fast enough because holy COW do they itch!!

Now that I'm not constantly on pain meds I can start writing again-- what with I can now form paragraphs and... well... words.

Talk to you tomorrow,

-Michelle

October 9th-13th; Days 126-130

Dear Uterus,

Surgery is tomorrow.

I'm scared.

I'm trying not to feel defeated or negative, but I also want to be prepared.

Tonight I filled out my Advance Health Care Directive.

This appointed an Agent, an an alternative agent, to make medical choices for me should I not be able to do so.

Logically I know that this a simple-ish procedure. Yet I find myself almost sick at the thought of going under tomorrow. The c-section was a simple procedure... the d&c was supposed to be simple.. and then it wasn't.

I'm not sure if I ever shared a part of the story. The "why" to the intubation.

My body had experienced a trauma and was still experiencing it with the DIC. The doctors made the choice to keep me sedated. While sedated I stopped breathing-- my body tried to die-- so they intubated me, and for 12 hours the only reason I was alive was because of a machine.

I never wanted to be on life support for an extended amount of time, but I never considered what my time frame would be. I clearly needed those 12 hours, and I'm alive today because of it-- but do I want 24? 7 days? A Month? Where is that line when I say "let me go"?

Today is my son's birthday. He's 4. 4 years ago this morning I delivered my first pregnancy and I never would have imagined this is where I would be 4 years later.

I ahd friends here this weekend, and it helped ease my nerves, but now as I sit in the dark of night and write this, I feel them creeping up.

I feel like I should say bye, just in case, and that's something no one should have to feel.

-Michelle

Oct.7th-8th; Days 124&125

Dear Uterus, 

Today has been a hard today. Probably the hardest that I've had in awhile. 

When I joined the surrogate community almost 4 years ago (holy crap!) people didn't really talk about the bad stuff within the community. I think because it felt as if we were fighting the media. Every tv show we watched, every surrogacy-relateed news article that aired-- it all seemed negative. So, in some way as an act of balance, we only shared the good. It was a lot of good.

As a person entering that world I loved seeing the stories of hope and family and love. It was beautiful to the point of tears. I couldn't wait to have a story like that of my own. Now, almost 4 years later, I have two stories like that. 

When I almost lost my life in June, I suddenly saw a different side. This side wasn't what the media portrayed it-- I wasn't a crazy woman trying to keep a baby. The parents hadn't left me with a child that wasn't mine. Instead, I was faced with the reality that a choice I made could be the end of me.

When a woman chooses to become pregnant, she makes the choice to bring a child into the world. She accepts the risks. She knows that the outcome in worth it-- a baby in her arms at the end of nine (let's face it, ten) months.

When a woman decides to become a surrogate, she makes the choice to bring someone Else's child into the world. She makes the choice to complete, or grow another person's family. I made that choice. I can name more than twenty women who I consider my friend that have also made that choice. I could point you in the direction of thousands of others.

At some point, in the last year or so, a woman made the choice to be a surrogate (again). She ended up carrying twins. Today, on what should have been an exciting day, she died of complications related to pregnancy.

I didn't know her. You probably didn't know her. Someone did. A lot of people did. She left a family, children... people that were counting on her.

Today was a hard day. My heart aches for her family in a way I don't think it would have before this. I would have been sad, I would have thought about her, and then I would have continued on my day. Now it's different. I can't look at death the same way. Four months ago it was my family that was worried, my friends that were messaging like I assume hers were. By some crazy stroke of luck, I survived when even the doctors didn't think I would... and she didn't-- and that sucks. 

-Michelle

Oct. 4th-6th; Days 121-123

Dear Uterus,

College started for me yesterday. I keep myself as busy as possible. I don't think it was intentional initially, but now I think it has helped a lot. When I am constantly doing something I can go days without really thinking about it all. Progress.

In one week I have surgery. Something I still have mixed feelings about. I feel like I am constantly reminded of everything every time I have to deal with this issue. For months I have told myself that once this issue is fixed I can move out of this pit I have been in. Yet part of me is worried that even when I am fixed, I will still feel like I am in this...slump.

I haven't gained any more weight, but I haven't lost any more either. I just can't exercise so I am stuck. I have another 7weeks before I can really try to lose weight again, so my weight loss journey is on hold..ish.

How are you?

-Michelle

Oct 1st-3rd; Days 118-120

Dear Uterus,

I try to "cross that bridge when I come to it", in regards to most things.

After the hysterectomy, one of the first things everyone tried to comfort me with was "Well, you got to keep your ovaries!"

It was a small win, but a win none-the-less.

If I wanted another biological child I could have one, just not carry him/her.

Today a topic came up in an Accreta support group that I'm a part of. Recent studies show as many as 50% of women that have a hysterectomy and keep their ovaries experience ovarian failure around 5 years later.

FIVE YEARS.

50% isn't 100%, but it's not 0% either.

A lot of the girls started chiming in, and so far it seems like a lot more than 50%. A lot of them lost their ovarian function between 3-5 years post hysterectomy, some just a few months later!

I don't want to borrow trouble, but I can't help but look at my amazing record for percentages.

Yet another thing/choice that might be taken from me too soon.

I don't know if I'll use a surrogate. If I do it's at LEAST two and a half years away. At least.

If I choose to adopt, to not have another bio child, that's fine. I made that choice.

When I am a 30 year old on hormone therapy and experiencing hot flashes.... I didn't make that choice.

-Michelle

Sept. 29th-30th; Days 116&117

Dear Uterus,

What I'm about to say it going to sound to weird, but bear with me.

I think everyone should have a near death experience at least once when they are young-ish.

I don't want anyone to actually die. and I don't wish that pain on any family, but.. I kind of think everyone needs one.

I feel like I aged after all of that. Some of it not all good, but a lot of it feels amazing. Let's talk about the amazing today, maybe tomorrow we'll chat about the not-so-good.

For most of my life people have told me that I act older than my age. I had older friends, dated older guys, had a more 'adult' look on life even when I was in high-school. That's not to say I didn't still need some growing up to do. I had to have some heartbreaks, I had to have some life-struggles, but I came out better for them.

People have always been kind of surprised by my age. Especially the people who haven't seen me in person-- although most of them have seen pics so... I guess my wrinkles are showing early. I tell them I'm 25 and everyone is like.. holy crap... you seem to much older, so much more put together than I was at 25.

I don't necessarily agree all the time, but I'll take it.

After everything had settled down, I realized it drastically changed how I acted, how I looked at things, and how I want things to be in the future.

People always say "life is short". You understand what they mean, but you don't REALLY get it. Then in one hour you almost bleed to death, in one day you go from grocery shopping to being on life support, in one week you go from sitting on your couch to laying in an ICU bed.

Life is short. I get that now. I'm both in-love with the knowledge, and terrified of it.

Think about it. On Friday morning I got up- I was sore from the c-section, complaining about my aching uterus.. I ate lunch, pumped some breast-milk, went to the store for some groceries, and 19 hours after I woke up I was in the ER. 24 hours after??? I was on a ventilator and my husband didn't know if I was going to wake up.

Twenty four hours. What will you be doing in 24 hours?

When I say things have changed for me... it's encompasses so many things.

I worry less-- who needs that stress?

I hug my son more--probably too much-- pretty sure I’ll have a mental breakdown on his first day of school.

I’m more patient. The son is screaming, the car in front of me is driving slow… who cares? That one irritating moment is a blip on my timeline.

I wanted to graduate, buy a cute house in a great neighborhood and send my son to a private school with the best teachers. Now I think we should spend his younger years traveling to different counties, learning as we go.He might be homeschooled through elementary but he’ll be exposed to so many cultures…

Do you see my point? See where I’m going?

Life becomes routine for us. We wake up, we fix the kids breakfast, we go to work, they go to school, rinse, repeat.

So your clothes aren’t hanging up? You got them washed.

Your bed isn’t made? You’re going to sleep in it again anyway.

Take a moment, embrace it. Make it the best, because in 24 hours you might be dead.

-Michelle

Sept. 26th-28th; Days 113-115

Dear Uterus, 

Some days I feel like I jinxed myself. Or maybe that I wasn't grateful enough for my ability to carry and it was taken away. 

With Cody's pregnancy, I was both in love with and and wanting it over at the same time, which I'm going to say is probably normal.  It was my first pregnancy, my first child. It was neat to see the changes in my body and feel his movements. Still, I wanted it over and him in my arms. 

My second (well, third if you count the early miscarriage) was the Twins. And again, the pregnancy was sooooo neat. Twins brought a whole new oomph to the pregnancy that I hadn't experienced before. Plus, it was my first surrogate pregnancy, and that felt amazing. I was looking forward to giving the babies to S&J, but I loved the pregnancy. 

With Charlie, nothing was new or different. I was SO HAPPY to give D&M a baby, but the pregnancy itself was nothing spectacular. I was happy to grow him, and care for him, but I didn't feel the excitement I had with my first two pregnancies. Also, this pregnancy was a lot more uncomfortable for me than even the twins had been, and I know there were days where I was just done and ready for it to be over. 

So, in a way I feel like I jinxed myself-- like I didn't love this pregnancy as much and so the ability to have more was taken away. I know that's not why, but it feels like that. 

Almost a week ago my doctor started me on a anti-depression medication, not for depression, but for the side effect it caused-- which would hopefully help with my bladder issues until surgery happened. Ironically, a side-effect of the medication for depression can be..... depression. 

I wouldn't go so far as to say I'm depressed.. yet, but I can definitely feel a change. I had been climbing up from the sadness that all this caused, and now I'm at a point where thinking about it-- thinking about how close I came to death-- thinking about how I will never feel a baby move inside me again, it physically hurts. I feel like it's crushing me on the inside. 

When I don't think about, I'm fine, but when I let my mind wander I go back to the place I was when I started this blog. 

I don't know if it's the medication, or just a little regression in my overall healing... but I don't like it.

Hugs and Love,

Michelle

Sept. 23rd-25th; Days 110-112

Dear Uterus,

A little bit of my crazy might show as I write this.

Is it weird that sometimes, for a second, I forget that everything happened?

Today, I was thinking about this whole bladder thing. My thought process went something like this:

I wonder when these pills will take affect? > Hopefully the surgery works completely > What happens if even after the surgery I still have some leakage? > That would be weird, being pregnant and also dealing with changing pads > I wouldn't want the ultrasound techs to know, so when they did the scans I'd have to make sure they didn't see what I was wearing. > wait a minute, why I am wondering what this will be like when I'm pregnant?

It doesn't happen often, but sometimes it does, and usually when I've had several good days of just NOT thinking about it at all.

I see a cute baby sometimes and I say to Glen "UGH my uterus aches."

No, no it doesn't.

-Michelle

Sept. 21st and 22nd; Days 108&109

Dear Uterus,

Starting with stating that YES, Cody is fine :) I had several people message me worried about my last post.

I thought it was pretty clear, but there you go.

Now, Today is Week 3 of weightloss.  Nothing fancy to update. Still the same as last week, but I've done absolutely nothing to help.. so... can't complain. At least I didn't gain it back.

Today I finally was able to see the urologist, and found out that I will be having surgery to fix my bladder issues.

Long story short is that I do have a prolapse as well as significant weakening of those muscles. I will be getting a biograph inserted and a sling. Unfortunately this is only a 10-15 year fix, and then I'll have to have it done again, BUT I'm trying to remain positive that I will be able to go back to my 'normal' life.

I don't have a date yet, but I will let you know when I do.

On the no-uterus side of things. Today during the exam he had me "push like you're having a baby". I didn't really think about it until I got home and realized I will never do that again for its intended purpose.

-Michelle

Sept. 20th Day 107

Dear Uterus,

I'm taking a break from my regularly scheduled blogging to ask you for something.

Please contact me if you know a family (or are a family!) that is financially struggling due to childhood cancer.

Details later-- but it's going to be awesome!

-Michelle

Sept. 17-19; Days 104-106

Dear Uterus,

The last few days I have been steadily working on my first quarter as a Legal Studies student. I have a two week break before the next quarter starts. I'm so excited to be one quarter closer to scratching something off my post-uterus bucket list.

I've been keeping myself busy. I think that helps as well. I haven't been able to find a job, but I do my little side crochet business and I craft. I craft all the time.

I'm working on another little surprise, but no one gets to know that yet. For now, it's just for me. It's keeping me moving forward.

More and more I catch myself commenting on Cody being an only child. I no longer say it with the bitterness I did three months ago. Now, I think I'm okay with it. If another baby comes to us in the next few years, I will gladly take it, but-- I think I'm okay with 'just Cody' for now.

He's amazing. Every day I love him a little more, I squeeze him a little tighter, and I vow to do everything I can to make his life amazing.

-Michelle

Sept. 15-16; Days 102&103

Dear Uterus,

When this first happened, I wrote my first entry because everyone was asking about it. Everyone wanted to know and that was the easiet way possible.

I continued because it turned to a type of therapy for me. I wrote every day, religiously. It was like my personal therapist-- and I didn't have to pay $80.00 an hour.

Now that three and a half months have passed, I write about every other day. I don't need my therapy every day. I have days when it doesn't cross my mind. Full, whole days where I don't even think about it.

I still am a part of the surrogacy community, even though I've considered multiple times leaving all the groups because I feel out of place. Then something happens and reminds me why I stay.

On more than one occasion, honestly-- probably more than ten, someone brings me into a conversation.

Usually there is a woman, struggling with the same thing I struggled with. They tell you to be done with having all of your kids before pursuing surrogacy. They think they can handle it, they think everything will be fine, they don't get the risks. There are some on there that are judging them, thinking they are fools. Then, there's me. I was them. I was them in 2011 when I started looking into it. I was them in 2012 when I transferred the twins. I was them in 2013 and 2014, and 2015. For five days in 2015 I was planning my next pregnancy. I was planning the one after that too.

Then, in one day.. that was all gone.

Every time I tell them my abridged story, I hope that it at least makes them pause-- makes them consider their feelings.

Today as I was writing-- I realized there was something else I wanted to add.

That choice doesn't just affect your ability to carry. It effects your family. It effects the Parents you carried for.

So-- I keep writing.

-Michelle

September 13th-14th; Days 100&101

Dear Uterus,

Week 2 of my diet.

This week I fluctuated a bit, but ended today one pound less than last week.

Stats:

Starting:

• 188 pounds
• Size 14 jeans. 

2nd Week:

• 184 pounds
• Size 14 jeans

Pounds lost: 4

-Michelle

Day 99

Dear Uterus,

Let's pause for a second and realize that this DAY 99. The last day of double digits since everything happened. That means 100 short days ago I was completely oblivious to what was about to happen.

Now, let's get to the slightly humorous (and full of SPOILERS) blog on why TV makes me crazy.

So, one of my favorite shows is Grey's Anatomy (the spoilers are coming, stop now).

I love that show. Well, loved. How is McDreamy dead??? That's really not the point.

Why can Grey's Anatomy not have ONE GOOD PREGNANCY.

Christina Pregnant-- ectopic
Bailey Pregnant- Has to deliver baby while husband is having his brain operated on.
Meredith Pregnant- miscarriage
Callie pregnant- delivers early from car crash
Christina Pregnant- Abortion
Meredith Pregnant- Delivers via c-section in the dark, almost dies.
April Pregnant- Baby has problem that means it will not live outside the womb very long.
Meredith Pregnant- delivers while mourning dead husband, hemorrhages at home.

Just recently I started binge watching Private Practice, Addison's spin-off show. In it we have:

Violet Pregnant- Baby cut out of her by crazy person and stolen breifly, left to die.
Amelia Pregnant- Baby has no brain. (Just got to this point, don't tell me how it all ends).


AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED on all the Surrogate Stuff in Private Practice.

This probably seems really weird, but it bothers me for some reason, now.


AHHH!
-Michelle