Day 87

Dear Uterus,

I wrote this-- and really, this is what is on my min at the moment, so here it is.

-Michelle

Aug 30- Day 86

Dear Uterus,

I have been trying to decide if I should write this one.

BUT I made the commitment to this blog to say everything I feel, so I will.

A little while ago, I told you that I was having since trouble accepting the news of a pregnancy.

If I look deeper into it, they're is really a lot more to it than just "that should be me." There is a lot of history, but that is still a part.

About a week ago, I received news that that pregnancy was no longer...here.

I would never wish a pregnancy loss on someone... I would hope that the people in my life would understand that. My initial feeling was that I felt bad I hadn't been more excited, and then I felt bad because it didn't make me depressed. I didn't really feel anything...

So there you have it.. I feel bad... because I didn't ache at the loss...

I feel bad, because I think that makes me bad.

-Michelle

-quote later. It's 3am, and I am tried.-

Day 85- In Memorium

Dear Uterus,

Today is not about me.

Today death visited and took someone.

So today is about her.

One of the first people that saw me on this side of the earth was this woman. I had a bit of a rough start when I was born. I was grey, and I wasn't breathing. My doctor, or rather my mom's doctor sat with me in the nursery-- sitting in a rocking chair-- and it was there that she first saw me.

In the years that followed, that was one of her favorite stories when we got together.

Her friendship with my family started before that, before I was born, when she befriended a young single mom who had just moved to a new place and didn't know anyone. My brother was sickly as a child, he didn't gain weight easily and didn't eat a lot, but he did eat her Taco's... so when he would come over, that's what she would make.

My own grandmothers passed away when I was 3, and 8. This woman stepped in, and took their a place. To us she was "Grandma" and that's what she wanted to be.

When I was twelve, my mom, her and myself piled into her car for our regular lunch date. Except this time when we left the restaurant, a car sped through a light and T-boned us, hitting her side. My mom and her were air-lifted to a hospital two hours away, while I remained unharmed. My pastor at the time headed down to the hospital where he sat and prayed with them and talked with them for hours.

This was another memory she looked back at. She was so grateful for the act of kindness, and she never forgot it.

She met all but one of my mom's grandchildren-- she held each one. They were her family too.

When she had to give up her home and move to the city to live in an assisted care community she wrote letters to my mom.

We visted her when we could.

We'd offer to take her out to eat and she wouldn't go unless her hair was done and her makeup was on. A lady always looked her best when she went out.

She feared we'd forget her. She feared she'd get old, and die and we wouldn't think of her, so she'd give us little mementos when we visited. There's a small angel pin I have now-- a reminder that I';; never need.

This morning, she breathed her last breath. She joined her husband, her son, and her grandson.

She was all that was class, and goodness, and beauty, and I will miss her so much. She used to say "I don't know what he's (God) keeping me around for."

We all knew. It was because she brought a light to our world that we would never be ready to let go of.

-Michelle

Day 84

Dear Uterus,

I want to preface this by saying that I'm writing this in the least Emo way possible..

*ahem*

Ever since everything happened, I think about death, a lot.

Not in a dark and twisty way, but in an accepting way.

If you're anywhere under 60, it's probably not your favorite topic. You don't want to think about your death.

I'm 25. I don't want to think about dying for at least 90 more years. Nope, not  typo-- I'm gonna look awesome at 115.

Then, something like this happens and you realize. Holy crap... all those cliche movie moments can actually happen. Life is short.

Glen and I have only talked about the "what ifs" in very far off and non-decisive terms. Which means that had things have taken a different turn, he would have had no idea what I wanted.

I know it's a dark topic, but it's sooooo important.

Would I have wanted to be kept on life support 1 month? 3? What is the time where I'm comfortable with him saying-- "She tried."?

The moral of this one??

Life really IS short.

One second, one action, one event... it can change everything.

-Michelle

Day 83

Dear Uterus,

I vlogged today for the first time since I made my announcement about everything.. vlogging, much like this, allows me to sit down-- to set a moment of my day away to just process emotions.

I started doing a recap and it quickly became something else.

One of the things I spoke about was something I've briefly touched on here, but want to take a minute and focus on-- to try to explain or expand in it.

To the people that don't read this, one day in June I got bored, walked into a salon and came out with blue hair.

To a lot of people, they probably think I'm making a statement, or trying to follow a new trend. Others might think I'm acting immature....

To me, it was a lot more.

The first time I cut my hair (other than trimming the dead ends) was in high school. I cut off about 8 inches, so it went from being past my tail bone to being in the middle of my back. I started parting my hair to the side, and I had a side-swept bang (you all remember those, right?) I waited another almost 5 years before my next change-- this time I chopped it off and died it black.

And then I grew it out again.

My hair has always been a big part of me.

When all of this happened, I ACHED every time I looked in the mirror. I felt so differently than I ever had, and my reflection didn't reflect that.

No one sees my hysterectomy scar. They can't see that you are no longer there. They just see me.

The problem was-- I didn't see me.

So, I made a change- a change I could see. Something that had never been part of me before. I had my hair dyed blue.

And it looks awesome-- but really-- it feels awesome.

It looks like me when I look in the mirror now.

The point in this really isn't my hair-- its that I needed to do and be and look like who I felt inside. I needed to be able to look in the mirror so I could move forward.

So the next time someone I know is struggling-- I'm going to tell them to do what makes them feel whole again-- and screw what everyone else says.

-Michelle

Day 82

Dear Uterus, 

It's interesting how the way this all has affected my reactions to things.

As a surrogate, I'd have liked to think I was keenly aware of the horrible thing it is to want a child and be denied. I mean, that's WHY I became a surrogate. That's why I did it a second time. I hated that I had one month of kind of trying and Boom, Pregnant. I didn't have any issues... I never experienced a loss...

If I saw a person, in person, online, on a tv show... that couldn't have children, I said "I'd totally carry her babies."

And I meant it. 

Today, I was re-watching the TV show Revenge.

This episode, the main female character finds out she can no longer have children. She breaks down, falls to her knees and throws something.. and instead of saying "I'd have her babies", I said-- "I've been there." and I felt my heart clench for that fictional character in a way it wouldn't have before.

As with most things, you really can't understand something until you've been there.

-Michelle

Aug 25- Day 81

Dear Uterus,

Barring a random act of God, surrogacy or adoption won't be available to us for at least two years.

Instead of focusing on the things I can't currently do, I'm going to focus on what I can do in those two years.

In no particular order:

• Finish my book(s)
•  One of my longest dreams has been to become published. I've spent the last 4 years with a bad case of pregnancy brain that didn't allow me to concentrate, and now I can.
• Watch my son start pre-k
•  This is still slightly undecided. I'm not sure if I'll just keep him at home until Kinder or not.
• Get my Paralegal degree (I can't believe I'll have a degree in a year!!) 
• Which reminds me... I need to test out of some classes.
• Watch my husband get his Computer Science degree.
• And then move to wherever his first job takes him
• Donate Eggs
• I have to wait at least 1 year past all the transfusions, so 10 months more!
• Lose weight
• I've gained weight back since losing it all. Primarily because I don't go out and exercise due to my current issue and I've been admittedly emotional eating. 

I know I've talked about some of these before, but I really want to focus on this. Living for an unknown future doesn't make any of this any easier. 

-Michelle

Day 80

Dear Uterus,

Today I realized how fast September is approaching.

It's a big month.

September 9 marks the two-year birthday of the Twins, as well as the 1 year anniversary of  Baby Boy's transfer..

Then 2 days later I see the new doctor in hopes of putting my latest side-effect behind me and moving closer to having no physical proof of all the CRAP I went through in June.

Really-- it's crap.

I'm a bit pissed at it today actually. Pardon the language.

It was a crappy thing that shouldn't happen to a generally NOT CRAPPY person.

That is all.

-Michelle

Day 79

Dear Uterus,

"Nothing is so painful to the human mind as a great and sudden change."

I saw that quote today-- it's from the book Frankenstein.

I can't tell you how much this resonated with me.

When I make think about it, it makes a lot of sense.

When we lose someone, we mourn their loss-- we mourn that they are no longer in our lives. Change.

When we lose something, we lose the plans we had made for it-- and now we have to achieve our plans a different way. Change.

Today, I didn't hurt, but on the days I do-- the change is what hurts.

It was both the greatest and most sudden change I've ever experienced.

The physical change--- and the emotional.

-Michelle

Aug 22- Day 78

Dear Uterus,

I'm trying hard to focus on the present.

The past will never change, and will always be there.

The future is a mystery that I can't see.

So, I squeeze my son a little tighter today.

I set aside the dishes, and the vacuum, because hearing him laugh and seeing him smile is better than a clean floor-- and we can use paper plates tonight.

I don't want to be so focused on wondering what comes next that I miss out on all the nows.

-Michelle

Aug 21- Day 77

Dear Uterus,

Sometimes I think what is causing me the most pain, is how everything happened, and not what happened.

I've told you before of the fear I have-- the fear that one day I'll have to be put under again, and the idea of it makes my stomach sink.

Today, due to unfortunate circumstances, I saw a lot of extended family members that hadn't seen me since it all happened.

It touches me to know that they worried over me, but every time they say "We're so glad you're here with us, after everything" I'm wrenched back to that moment, right before I went under when I realized just how bad things were...

When I begged them. "Don't let me die."

I taste the gas. I feel the panic, and for a moment, I'm there on the table-- alone.

The idea that everything can change in such a brief amount of time terrifies me.

Here one day... gone the next.

I could have been gone.

-Michelle

Aug 20, 2015- Day 76

Dear Uterus,

Today I decided I won't apologize for my feelings.

They're valid.

My friends and family have been telling me this since the beginning, but I shrugged it off.

Sitting here, contemplating a conversation that's going to need to happen, and I realized it.

There are a lot of alternatives to how I'm dealing with this.

I could bottle it up. I could lie.

I don't choose to do that-- so I won't apologize for my feelings.

-Michelle

Day 75

Dear Uterus,

Today-- someone complained about their period.

Today, I smiled.

Small victories.

My healing isn't going to come in some miraculous wave. I won't wake up and not still be traumatized from all that happened, but it will ease. Today proved that.


-Michelle

Day 74

Dear Uterus,

I made this a little while back.

Someone had mentioned to me that I was in the processes of grief, and it made sense. You typically think of grief when you lose someone-- when a loved ones dies...

I hadn't considered it, but I had lost something-- the future I planned. And I was grieving it.

In a bit of humor, I made this. The first thirty days. My grief wasn't concise. I went back and forth a LOT. I didn't go in the order it went in, day by day, but you can see where I stayed mostly. You can see the groups I stayed in.

It actually helped to see this. So see that I was experiencing, to see what would come next.

So today, I share it with you.

-Michelle

Day 73

Dear Uterus,

It was a better today, than the days that have passed.

No particular reason, it was just better.

These days give me hope that one day, I really WILL laugh in the tampon aisle.

-Michelle

Day 72

Dear Uterus--

I gathered up some of my favorite maternity clothes (I think I want to make a quilt with them, so if I ever have another baby, they can be wrapped in them too).
I gathered up some of my favorite bibs of Cody's and blankets and towels (another, different quilt-- this one just for me).

Then.... I got a big box and started throwing all the pregnancy stuff in there.

That stuff hurts the most.

I found a pregnancy test-- unused-- forgotten in a box. Won't be needing that.
My doppler--- don't need that-- there's nothing to hear.
My belly supports, my post partum bands... they all went in the box, and people are picking up the box tomorrow-- because I don't want to see it right now. Let them enjoy something that only stings for me.

-Michelle

Aug 15th- Day 71

Dear Uterus,

The oddest things effect me.

Today we are driving down to the town we previously lived in. We still have a storage unit there. Inside, I knew I was going to find a LOT of baby things.

I saved all of it. Tons of clothes, all of his toys, a brand new pack-n-play, a stroller.... all of it. I told myself that this would all be stuff that I could use again, for our next one.

I bought a lot of gender neutral things specifically for this reason.

I was prepared to feel sad, and some things got a bit of a sigh out of me, but mostly I was okay.

I took a look and started throwing things into the back of the truck to be taken to a donation center.

I told myself that just because I was getting rid of things, didn't mean I was getting rid of the hope.

Still, there were those few things--

Little itty bitty nail clippers, bottles...a rattle.... those things stung, just a little bit.

-Michelle

Aug 14th- Day 70

Dear Uterus,

Today was better than yesterday.

I was  a little less angry, a little less teary....


I won't say that I'm fine-- because I'm not.

BUT-- I survived. I'll survive next time too.

One more thing down...

-Michelle

Day 69

Dear Uterus,

It happened today.

I thought I'd have more time to prepare...

Someone I know is pregnant--- and it's one of the ones I knew from the very beginning would bother me.

I haven't been able to feel excited about it.

So, I feel sad. Then, I feel sad on top for feeling sad.

There were some tears.

Some "Why??"s

Some Anger...

What a circle.

The idea of it makes my heart ache..

Then I ache more because I ache.

I hate this.

-Michelle

Day 68

Dear Uterus,

We are going to be emptying out a storage unit this weekend.

A while back I told you I didn't know what I wanted to do with my maternity clothes..

This storage unit has all the baby things I was saving for our next child. Toys of Cody's, a play yard... more clothes.

I know I need to do something with it all, but it's just another thing that makes it more final.

-Michelle

Day 67

Dear Uterus,

I've been feeling a little jealous lately.

I don't like that I am.

I've seen a couple posts from people that are joking about how people ask them if they want more babies and they run screaming away.

I've seen a few "oops" pregnancies....

They are all posts that should be posted... and people should definitely not have to think twice before posting something just because I might see it.

But still-- I'm jealous.

-Michelle

Day 66

Dear Uterus,

As you experience things, you slowly notice how you change.

A little over a year ago, we lived in a large 3 bedroom, 2.5 bath townhome, two floors, brand new appliances... At the time, I didn't even want to consider something smaller.

When the town we lived in seemed to rebel against us finding jobs, we were forced to temporarily live apart. Two months later, we moved... started school and found a smaller place that fit our new student budget. Now we live in a tiny, two bedroom one bath apartment that was built a good while ago.

As things change.. you do. We realized that we didn't NEED the huge place, the 3 toilets, the extra bedroom. We got rid of our second car, and kept only truck. We stopped eating out all the time, we tightened the reigns on our spending.


A year ago... heck... three months ago... I was absolutely never going to have children past the age of 30. That was too old for me.

I couldn't wait for Cody to start school.

I knew the month I would start trying to conceive our next child.  I wasn't going to let more than x amount of time pass between Cody and the next child.


There was NO way I was going to be one of those parents with ten years between their kids.

Now.... I might be thirty by the time we could afford an adoption or surrogacy. Cody might be closer to 8... he might not be... but he might.

I was studying Criminal Justice with the idea to go into profiling.

Now I'm in Paralegal Studies planning on pursuing a law degree and working in Family Law,

You don't think about how one thing can affect so many things-- how it can completely change your perspective.

-Michelle

Day 65

Dear Uterus--

Today I was thinking about infertility.

Henry and Haley (my surro-twins) mother had undergone several IVF attempts using both her own eggs and an egg donors eggs. They never achieved pregnancy.

Charlie's mother tried IVF and it didn't work. Suffered a miscarriage. Then naturally conceived their daughter, who was born early. After, they tried again and were unable to conceive another child. Then, we ended up both becoming pregnant and due a day a part.

Today I wondered what type of infertility is easiest... if that word can even be used to describe it.

I will live out the rest of my days knowing that there is absolutely no way that I will ever carry a pregnancy again.

Would I rather that or would I rather the endless amount of trying and hoping-- only to be disappointed month after month.

Part of me says knowing for sure it won't happen is easier... but then I think of my second IM and wish that I could just keep trying and hoping.

-Michelle

Day 64

Dear Uterus,

Today my 3(almost 4) year old asked when I was going to grow another baby.

I told him my tummy was broken.

He said "But-- you grew ((IM's)) baby."

"Yes, I did, but now my tummy is broken and I can't grow any more babies."

"I think you can. Try tomorrow."

-Michelle

Day 63

Dear Uterus,

As hard as the hardest moments have been-- I feel like they could still be harder.

It's like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.

We weren't planning on Baby 2 for another two ish years, so right now I don't feel like I'm missing something... but I'm scared for when that two year mark hits and I realize we won't be trying for a baby.

Is it odd that I expect it to be harder?

I should be grateful, I know.

The pain I felt/feel hurts like a witch-- but I feel like it should hurt more.

Maybe I'm just crazy....

-Michelle

Day 62

Dear Uterus,

Two months.

We're officially at the two month mark today.

I feel a bit like a bad parent.

With Cody, I was always in a hurry to get to the next stage. Sitting, Crawling, Walking, Talking, Potty Trained... I never fully enjoyed the moment.

It took all this to happen for me to sit back and just enjoy. He's 3, and I'm going to let him be three until he's not anymore. I'm going to cuddle him and carry him as much as he'll let me, because one day-- soon based on how he grows-- he won't fit on my lap anymore. He won't be able to be carried around, and he won't want to cuddle me.

So-- I'm living in the moment, because it might be the only parenting experience I get.

-Michelle

Day 61

Dear Uterus,

I went to the doctor again today to try to resolve my newest problem. He referred me to a urologist and gave me yet another medicine to try.

I've lost all of the weight I gained this pregnancy, now just to lose the few I gained from the meds. I'm happy to be down to my more normal size again, and at the same time it's another thing that marks an ending to this whole journey of babies.

My milk dried up a couple weeks ago, the baby weight is gone... It's like baby boy never happened.

My new OB was busy, so I saw another doctor in his practice today.

This doctor was equally shocked when he realized I was still alive after DIC. He said, and I quote: "Usually we find out someone had DIC at their wake. I'm lucky to be talking to you today."

It's still surreal a bit to me. I really quite literally came inches away from death.

Knowing that makes part of me want to do what I want, where I want, and how I want. The other part of me wants to hide in a hole, sealed inside a plastic bubble.

-Michelle

Day 60

Dear Uterus,

Sixty days.

In two more it will be two months.

In my head I know it's real. I know it happened. I know I will never experience pregnancy again.

Yes still there are time when I still can't quite believe it.

Today was one of those days.

It wasn't a sad moment for me, just an odd one.

I was sitting there, scrolling through Facebook and I kept thinking, I feel like like I should be able to FEEL that you're not there.

I feel the same. My stomach feels the same. I look the same. Everything is the same. Except it's not.

-Michelle

Jul 30- Aug 3rd- Day 55- 59

Dear Uterus,

The last cheat-- I promise.

I fill my days.

If I'm not doing school work, I'm reading, or writing.

If I'm not doing that I am visiting with a friend over coffee, calling my mom, or texting a friend.

I fill my days because the alternative allows me time to think.

I've been grateful for the past few days, I've been working on end of semester papers for my college classes, switching colleges, taking entrance exams..

I fill my days because when I don't I sit and reflect on the past.

I know that achieves nothing, but I do.

I worry for when a break comes, and I don't have a vacation to go on or something to occupy my mind.

Because the days I have filled, I forget this all... and I breathe a little easier.





-Michelle

July 29- Day 54

Dear Uterus,

For the past short while Glen and I have started thinking a lot about what we envision our future family like.

While I still feel like I want at least one more child, we have ever so softly contemplated life with just our one, perfect, son.

When we talk now, we are able to see little "pros" shine through of life with an only child.

We could do more things with him, go on more trips with him. Afford better things for him...etc.

This isn't to say we don't want any more, but that we think we can be happy as 'just' a family of three.

A month ago, I didn't think we could be.

-Michelle

July 28, 2015- Day 53

Dear Uterus,

Today was rough.

Today, I got in the shower and just cried.

If ever I cried sheerly out of feeling sorry for myself. Today was that day.

It came all of a sudden as well. I went to wash the grime of the 15 hour drive off of my body, and then it just started--- and it didn't stop quickly.

I cried because I felt ashamed and embarrassed. A 25 year old woman who needs to wear depends because for seemingly no reason her bladder just stopped working.

I cried because our house was dirty and I was too sick to clean it.

I cried because I was too sick to eat, and even drinking was a challenge.

And.. I cried because I can't have a freakin' baby. I don' even have the consolation of trying for a baby because no amount of hope and luck is going to weedle a baby out of my body.

I cried because I feel completely unattractive. I don't even feel comfortable sleeping in our bed because I'm afraid I will pee it.

I cried because quite frankly, I'm tired of getting the crap end of this stick and I want this part of my journey to be over.

I cried because I'm done.

-Michelle

Jul 27th- Day 52

Dear Uterus,

We're driving back home today, although we won't get in until tomorrow morning.

It's nice to be heading back, but that means it's also back to reality.

I'm still sick as heck, but at least I have the prospect of a comfortable bed ahead of me.

The trip has helped, but I'm afraid it was more of a band-aid.

Back to life and back to wondering what comes next... tomorrow.

-Michelle

Jul 23-26th 2015- Days 48-51

Dear Uterus,

Yes, I'm cheating.

These days I sat in my hotel room (and on a plane and in a car) and wondered why God kept trying to kill me.

I felt like death.

I didn't drink for 2 of these days, and didn't eat for three. I just laid there.

I would try to eat and immediately begin getting sick. I remember thinking the last time I was hanging over a toilet this sick I was pregnant with the twins.... and then I was sad again. Then I realized I was sad because I will never be sick because of growing a child ever again.

On Sunday, the 26th, we flew home and my one consolation was that I finally got to see my son again. I missed him a lot.

-Michelle

Jul 22nd 2015- Day 47

Dear Uterus,

Today, let's talk physical.

Before we left for vacation (Today we're doing Aquatica by the way), I had my 6 week checkup. I haven't talked much about the physical side of everything on here past the release from the hospital, so I'll do that now.

My incision was/is basically hip to hip. It's not attractive, but it could have been worse. It's still low and I really can't see it just by looking down.

It was completely closed up and feeling fine by the time we hit the week mark, and everything is still okay.

The muscles in my lower abdomen still are tender if I press on them or lay on them oddly. I don't remember this from my first c-section so I have to imagine it's from the two back to back surgeries after a pregnancy and my muscles are just saying.. what the hell Michelle?

When they do a total hysterectomy, they put what is called a "cuff" in place of where your cervix is. This means nothing leaves or enters your abdominal cavity...something they assured me of when I first stood up. "Don't worry, nothing will fall out."

The 6 week check showed that had healed nicely. Although, still tender because... OW.

In what should be the calm after the storm... it's still raining over here. A few days before my six week check I started leaking fluid.

And because I'm a grown woman who's been potty trained for awhile you can imagine my complete embarrassment when I discover it's urine. Yes... I'm peeing myself.

The doctor tried me on some meds which have not helped and things have actually got worse. I've been noticing this as I walk around California. It's really starting to put an irritating tone to my vacation.

And that's the update for now. Time to get sunburned.

-Michelle

Jul 21, 2015- Day 46

Dear Uterus,

I'm struggling a little.

I started this as a way to deal with everything that happened with me. At the time I imagined I could fill this blog with ONLY those emotions and things I was experiencing directly related to the hysterectomy.

The good news is that not every day is brutally, heart-wrenchingly painful.

So what do I share with you?

-Michelle