October 9th-13th; Days 126-130

Dear Uterus,

Surgery is tomorrow.

I'm scared.

I'm trying not to feel defeated or negative, but I also want to be prepared.

Tonight I filled out my Advance Health Care Directive.

This appointed an Agent, an an alternative agent, to make medical choices for me should I not be able to do so.

Logically I know that this a simple-ish procedure. Yet I find myself almost sick at the thought of going under tomorrow. The c-section was a simple procedure... the d&c was supposed to be simple.. and then it wasn't.

I'm not sure if I ever shared a part of the story. The "why" to the intubation.

My body had experienced a trauma and was still experiencing it with the DIC. The doctors made the choice to keep me sedated. While sedated I stopped breathing-- my body tried to die-- so they intubated me, and for 12 hours the only reason I was alive was because of a machine.

I never wanted to be on life support for an extended amount of time, but I never considered what my time frame would be. I clearly needed those 12 hours, and I'm alive today because of it-- but do I want 24? 7 days? A Month? Where is that line when I say "let me go"?

Today is my son's birthday. He's 4. 4 years ago this morning I delivered my first pregnancy and I never would have imagined this is where I would be 4 years later.

I ahd friends here this weekend, and it helped ease my nerves, but now as I sit in the dark of night and write this, I feel them creeping up.

I feel like I should say bye, just in case, and that's something no one should have to feel.

-Michelle

Oct.7th-8th; Days 124&125

Dear Uterus, 

Today has been a hard today. Probably the hardest that I've had in awhile. 

When I joined the surrogate community almost 4 years ago (holy crap!) people didn't really talk about the bad stuff within the community. I think because it felt as if we were fighting the media. Every tv show we watched, every surrogacy-relateed news article that aired-- it all seemed negative. So, in some way as an act of balance, we only shared the good. It was a lot of good.

As a person entering that world I loved seeing the stories of hope and family and love. It was beautiful to the point of tears. I couldn't wait to have a story like that of my own. Now, almost 4 years later, I have two stories like that. 

When I almost lost my life in June, I suddenly saw a different side. This side wasn't what the media portrayed it-- I wasn't a crazy woman trying to keep a baby. The parents hadn't left me with a child that wasn't mine. Instead, I was faced with the reality that a choice I made could be the end of me.

When a woman chooses to become pregnant, she makes the choice to bring a child into the world. She accepts the risks. She knows that the outcome in worth it-- a baby in her arms at the end of nine (let's face it, ten) months.

When a woman decides to become a surrogate, she makes the choice to bring someone Else's child into the world. She makes the choice to complete, or grow another person's family. I made that choice. I can name more than twenty women who I consider my friend that have also made that choice. I could point you in the direction of thousands of others.

At some point, in the last year or so, a woman made the choice to be a surrogate (again). She ended up carrying twins. Today, on what should have been an exciting day, she died of complications related to pregnancy.

I didn't know her. You probably didn't know her. Someone did. A lot of people did. She left a family, children... people that were counting on her.

Today was a hard day. My heart aches for her family in a way I don't think it would have before this. I would have been sad, I would have thought about her, and then I would have continued on my day. Now it's different. I can't look at death the same way. Four months ago it was my family that was worried, my friends that were messaging like I assume hers were. By some crazy stroke of luck, I survived when even the doctors didn't think I would... and she didn't-- and that sucks. 

-Michelle

Oct. 4th-6th; Days 121-123

Dear Uterus,

College started for me yesterday. I keep myself as busy as possible. I don't think it was intentional initially, but now I think it has helped a lot. When I am constantly doing something I can go days without really thinking about it all. Progress.

In one week I have surgery. Something I still have mixed feelings about. I feel like I am constantly reminded of everything every time I have to deal with this issue. For months I have told myself that once this issue is fixed I can move out of this pit I have been in. Yet part of me is worried that even when I am fixed, I will still feel like I am in this...slump.

I haven't gained any more weight, but I haven't lost any more either. I just can't exercise so I am stuck. I have another 7weeks before I can really try to lose weight again, so my weight loss journey is on hold..ish.

How are you?

-Michelle

Oct 1st-3rd; Days 118-120

Dear Uterus,

I try to "cross that bridge when I come to it", in regards to most things.

After the hysterectomy, one of the first things everyone tried to comfort me with was "Well, you got to keep your ovaries!"

It was a small win, but a win none-the-less.

If I wanted another biological child I could have one, just not carry him/her.

Today a topic came up in an Accreta support group that I'm a part of. Recent studies show as many as 50% of women that have a hysterectomy and keep their ovaries experience ovarian failure around 5 years later.

FIVE YEARS.

50% isn't 100%, but it's not 0% either.

A lot of the girls started chiming in, and so far it seems like a lot more than 50%. A lot of them lost their ovarian function between 3-5 years post hysterectomy, some just a few months later!

I don't want to borrow trouble, but I can't help but look at my amazing record for percentages.

Yet another thing/choice that might be taken from me too soon.

I don't know if I'll use a surrogate. If I do it's at LEAST two and a half years away. At least.

If I choose to adopt, to not have another bio child, that's fine. I made that choice.

When I am a 30 year old on hormone therapy and experiencing hot flashes.... I didn't make that choice.

-Michelle

Sept. 29th-30th; Days 116&117

Dear Uterus,

What I'm about to say it going to sound to weird, but bear with me.

I think everyone should have a near death experience at least once when they are young-ish.

I don't want anyone to actually die. and I don't wish that pain on any family, but.. I kind of think everyone needs one.

I feel like I aged after all of that. Some of it not all good, but a lot of it feels amazing. Let's talk about the amazing today, maybe tomorrow we'll chat about the not-so-good.

For most of my life people have told me that I act older than my age. I had older friends, dated older guys, had a more 'adult' look on life even when I was in high-school. That's not to say I didn't still need some growing up to do. I had to have some heartbreaks, I had to have some life-struggles, but I came out better for them.

People have always been kind of surprised by my age. Especially the people who haven't seen me in person-- although most of them have seen pics so... I guess my wrinkles are showing early. I tell them I'm 25 and everyone is like.. holy crap... you seem to much older, so much more put together than I was at 25.

I don't necessarily agree all the time, but I'll take it.

After everything had settled down, I realized it drastically changed how I acted, how I looked at things, and how I want things to be in the future.

People always say "life is short". You understand what they mean, but you don't REALLY get it. Then in one hour you almost bleed to death, in one day you go from grocery shopping to being on life support, in one week you go from sitting on your couch to laying in an ICU bed.

Life is short. I get that now. I'm both in-love with the knowledge, and terrified of it.

Think about it. On Friday morning I got up- I was sore from the c-section, complaining about my aching uterus.. I ate lunch, pumped some breast-milk, went to the store for some groceries, and 19 hours after I woke up I was in the ER. 24 hours after??? I was on a ventilator and my husband didn't know if I was going to wake up.

Twenty four hours. What will you be doing in 24 hours?

When I say things have changed for me... it's encompasses so many things.

I worry less-- who needs that stress?

I hug my son more--probably too much-- pretty sure I’ll have a mental breakdown on his first day of school.

I’m more patient. The son is screaming, the car in front of me is driving slow… who cares? That one irritating moment is a blip on my timeline.

I wanted to graduate, buy a cute house in a great neighborhood and send my son to a private school with the best teachers. Now I think we should spend his younger years traveling to different counties, learning as we go.He might be homeschooled through elementary but he’ll be exposed to so many cultures…

Do you see my point? See where I’m going?

Life becomes routine for us. We wake up, we fix the kids breakfast, we go to work, they go to school, rinse, repeat.

So your clothes aren’t hanging up? You got them washed.

Your bed isn’t made? You’re going to sleep in it again anyway.

Take a moment, embrace it. Make it the best, because in 24 hours you might be dead.

-Michelle

Sept. 26th-28th; Days 113-115

Dear Uterus, 

Some days I feel like I jinxed myself. Or maybe that I wasn't grateful enough for my ability to carry and it was taken away. 

With Cody's pregnancy, I was both in love with and and wanting it over at the same time, which I'm going to say is probably normal.  It was my first pregnancy, my first child. It was neat to see the changes in my body and feel his movements. Still, I wanted it over and him in my arms. 

My second (well, third if you count the early miscarriage) was the Twins. And again, the pregnancy was sooooo neat. Twins brought a whole new oomph to the pregnancy that I hadn't experienced before. Plus, it was my first surrogate pregnancy, and that felt amazing. I was looking forward to giving the babies to S&J, but I loved the pregnancy. 

With Charlie, nothing was new or different. I was SO HAPPY to give D&M a baby, but the pregnancy itself was nothing spectacular. I was happy to grow him, and care for him, but I didn't feel the excitement I had with my first two pregnancies. Also, this pregnancy was a lot more uncomfortable for me than even the twins had been, and I know there were days where I was just done and ready for it to be over. 

So, in a way I feel like I jinxed myself-- like I didn't love this pregnancy as much and so the ability to have more was taken away. I know that's not why, but it feels like that. 

Almost a week ago my doctor started me on a anti-depression medication, not for depression, but for the side effect it caused-- which would hopefully help with my bladder issues until surgery happened. Ironically, a side-effect of the medication for depression can be..... depression. 

I wouldn't go so far as to say I'm depressed.. yet, but I can definitely feel a change. I had been climbing up from the sadness that all this caused, and now I'm at a point where thinking about it-- thinking about how close I came to death-- thinking about how I will never feel a baby move inside me again, it physically hurts. I feel like it's crushing me on the inside. 

When I don't think about, I'm fine, but when I let my mind wander I go back to the place I was when I started this blog. 

I don't know if it's the medication, or just a little regression in my overall healing... but I don't like it.

Hugs and Love,

Michelle

Sept. 23rd-25th; Days 110-112

Dear Uterus,

A little bit of my crazy might show as I write this.

Is it weird that sometimes, for a second, I forget that everything happened?

Today, I was thinking about this whole bladder thing. My thought process went something like this:

I wonder when these pills will take affect? > Hopefully the surgery works completely > What happens if even after the surgery I still have some leakage? > That would be weird, being pregnant and also dealing with changing pads > I wouldn't want the ultrasound techs to know, so when they did the scans I'd have to make sure they didn't see what I was wearing. > wait a minute, why I am wondering what this will be like when I'm pregnant?

It doesn't happen often, but sometimes it does, and usually when I've had several good days of just NOT thinking about it at all.

I see a cute baby sometimes and I say to Glen "UGH my uterus aches."

No, no it doesn't.

-Michelle