Day 38

Dear Uterus--

When I wrote my "The Day It All Changed" post over a month ago, I was surprised at the traction it got. It was shared-- a ton. I may have mentioned that to you before.

I included a little piece to any surrogate that was reading it.

As a surrogate we are all told that this could happen, or something that would cause infertility. I've heard of surros that have fertility issues after surrogacy for no known reason. I understood it. I knew our family wasn't complete but I was okay with expanding it in other ways. We wanted to adopt a child anyways, so why not adopt two? Still, you never think this will happen to you. I had no complications... I had idea pregnancies... no sign that in a few hours everything would turn out like this.

So when your RE or your agency asks you if you're done your family. They are asking you for a reason. It's not a choice to be taken lightly.

Even knowing that we can adopt later down the line, even after considering that maybe we'll become IPs.... there is still a LOT for me to process. I wasn't ready to never experience pregnancy again. I'll never buy another pregnancy test. I'll never wait those 3 long minutes. I won't feel a baby move and kick inside me. I won't get to take fun maternity pictures. I didn't get to decide that I was done. I didn't get to "retire" from surrogacy.

I wasn't ready.

Today, the topic came up in a group I was in. Wait for surrogacy, be done with everything that could get in your way.

I agree.

But I think the thing that people (or some people) might not understand.. is that I don't regret any of it... and yes, I would do it all again.

No, I don't want to almost die again. No, I didn't want to lose my uterus...

Still-- I have no regrets.

Let me try to explain:

I brought 3 little people into this world, in addition to my son. Four babies. Three babies who might not be here otherwise. How do you regret that?

I had the ability to help two families-- and I did.

Knowing this makes looking back on you, easier.

You were used. You were well loved. You were a blessing.

Practically, I'm also glad that if this were destined to happen-- if I was destined to have the hysterectomy-- I'm glad it was after a surrogate pregnancy.

It's hard enough to imagine leaving Cody behind.. what happens if I'd left more children behind?

I can't imagine healing from a c-section, and then a hysterectomy, while struggling to be a parent to a newborn.

I don't say this in anger-- but in hope to give an understanding.

The circumstances suck.... but I don't regret them.

-Michelle