Jul 20, 2015- Day 45

Dear Uterus,

Disneyland Today.

Today was exhausting.

And, there were babies everywhere. Babies that were sort of being neglected and I don't think I would have realized it before.

Which reminds me... I've noticed my husband and I's outlook on things is changing.

There is more patience now, less yelling. We saw a woman yelling at her child and we thought-- hey, ease back. It's Disneyland. Let him be little. You won't see it again.

-Michelle

Jul 19, 2015- Day 44

Dear Uterus,

I'm so clearly not writing these in real time. I'm a little behind and as I try to play catch up, you'll at least get to see why.

So yes, it's not the 19th today, but we're writing about it anyways.

We arrived late Friday night, and spent Saturday not doing much of anything. We went to Balboa Park in San Diego and visted the Natural History Museum. It was pretty neat.

We finally were able to check into our hotel at 3pm that afternoon.

Like, I said, these are catch-ups, but at least you'll get a picture of what my days were like.

-Michelle

Day 43

Dear Uterus-

One, blogger hates me. I had this written and it didnt save.

Two, starting again...

People tell you to not to let something bother you. They say it cant hurt you if you dont let it. In abstract, thats ideal. In reality, it's different.

I think pain helps you grow, helps you adapt. I think holding things back and not feeling something for fear of consumption only worsens it.

Feel it. Express it. Deal with it.

-Michelle

"We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey." -Kenji Miyazawa

July 17, 2015-Day 42

Dear Uterus,

I started writing this on the plane as we flew into San Diego.

I didnt get very far.

We spent the night taking turns as sleeping and then driving around town.

Yesterday(day 41), Glen and I were talking about  the things we could do after he graduates school.

I am not quite ready to announce everything yet, but we were having conversations about where we see ourselves going with our lives, and etc.

I write this because it is different then the future we planned just months ago, and honestly, it's the first time where it didnt seem like a tragic circumstance.. it actually made me hopeful.

I might barely be almost reaching the point where I can find a "good" in all of this.

-Michelle

"If nothing ever changed there would be no butterflies."~Unknown

Day 41

Dear Uterus-

I have been posing little picture quotes with the last few days of letters. After I write, I go in search of quote that sort of matches my feelings at the time.

Today, the quote is my inspiration for the post.

So, it's going in the middle of the post today.

We all get addicted to something that takes away the pain.

I saw this on my search for yesterday's quote.

Right now, this is my addiction. When I feel something I write to you, in the evenings I sit and reflect on my day...

I knew I wanted to write about this all the day I wrote the very first page. I wanted to get it out-- say it, and I didn't want to bore everyone with every little pinch and pain on my body and emotions I felt.

I didn't know how much I woud come to love it.

And I do, I love this.

I love this little bit of freedom--

I love part knowing there will always be someone who reads it and feels for me-- and part not caring what anyone thinks. This is how it is for me right now...

This is my addiction.

-Michelle

July 15, 2015- Day 40

Dear Uterus--

This ones a little late, I was up all day packing for a trip and up all night driving across two states.

Most people are excited when they are heading on a much- anticipated vacation. I'm no exception.

My feelings go a little deeper than that, though.

I need to break the cycle.

Every day since the day I delivered Surro Boy I have been living basically the same day. Wake up, heal, deal with emotions, and wonder what the next day will bring. Just when I thought that was healing and on the rise, this whole situation happened, and then I was back into, starting not just from the beginning, but from even further on. I was now recovering from two abdominal surgeries, I was recovering emotionally in a way I didn't have to after delivering the surro baby(ies). The I started physically healing and developed another complication...and I felt myself take a few steps back.

I came home to the same place that days prior had been somewhat of a murder-esque looking scene. The same place that I spent my last "day" with you.

It probably sounds odd, but in a weird way I feel like I'm living somwhere where someone died. Where you died, where the vision I had of the future me died... just lots of "ends".

So yes, I'm ecstatic to be going on this trip. I need to break the cycle.

-Michelle

Day 39

Dear Uterus--

I went for my 6 week check up today.

They prescribed me something for my bladder-- so maybe that will work.

I had to tell them (again) that I was not going to need an IUD put in. I realize secretaries don't know the organ quota of everyone who walks in... but I'm getting kind of tired of it.

And I didn't look at the magazines or the brochures. I don't need to know what to expect out of my pregnancy, I don't need tips on taking a baby home... I don't need long term birth control and I'm not menopausal. I'm just....here.

I wasn't sad today though-- it's just a weird adjustment. Adjusting to the new me, and trying to welcome it.

-Michelle

Day 38

Dear Uterus--

When I wrote my "The Day It All Changed" post over a month ago, I was surprised at the traction it got. It was shared-- a ton. I may have mentioned that to you before.

I included a little piece to any surrogate that was reading it.

As a surrogate we are all told that this could happen, or something that would cause infertility. I've heard of surros that have fertility issues after surrogacy for no known reason. I understood it. I knew our family wasn't complete but I was okay with expanding it in other ways. We wanted to adopt a child anyways, so why not adopt two? Still, you never think this will happen to you. I had no complications... I had idea pregnancies... no sign that in a few hours everything would turn out like this.

So when your RE or your agency asks you if you're done your family. They are asking you for a reason. It's not a choice to be taken lightly.

Even knowing that we can adopt later down the line, even after considering that maybe we'll become IPs.... there is still a LOT for me to process. I wasn't ready to never experience pregnancy again. I'll never buy another pregnancy test. I'll never wait those 3 long minutes. I won't feel a baby move and kick inside me. I won't get to take fun maternity pictures. I didn't get to decide that I was done. I didn't get to "retire" from surrogacy.

I wasn't ready.

Today, the topic came up in a group I was in. Wait for surrogacy, be done with everything that could get in your way.

I agree.

But I think the thing that people (or some people) might not understand.. is that I don't regret any of it... and yes, I would do it all again.

No, I don't want to almost die again. No, I didn't want to lose my uterus...

Still-- I have no regrets.

Let me try to explain:

I brought 3 little people into this world, in addition to my son. Four babies. Three babies who might not be here otherwise. How do you regret that?

I had the ability to help two families-- and I did.

Knowing this makes looking back on you, easier.

You were used. You were well loved. You were a blessing.

Practically, I'm also glad that if this were destined to happen-- if I was destined to have the hysterectomy-- I'm glad it was after a surrogate pregnancy.

It's hard enough to imagine leaving Cody behind.. what happens if I'd left more children behind?

I can't imagine healing from a c-section, and then a hysterectomy, while struggling to be a parent to a newborn.

I don't say this in anger-- but in hope to give an understanding.

The circumstances suck.... but I don't regret them.

-Michelle

Day 37

Dear Uterus--

Today I received a letter from the hospital.

They said they understand my frustration at the unfortunate circumstances...

Then they said the Standard of Care had been met, and there was no fault with the hospital or doctor.

I don't really have anything else to say.

They gave me an option to contact another review committee if I still felt negatively...

another review committee at the same hospital...

So that makes me feel.. positive.... not.

-Michelle

 

Day 36

Dear Uterus--

First, let's recap:

1. Told could have vbac-- body/doctor didn't cooperate
2. Had a second change at vbac-- baby flipped breech resulting in....
3. ....C-section... my second.
4. Doctor was blind (clearly).. sooo....
5. Hemmorhaged at home due to Placenta Accreta
6. Lost My Uterus
7. Almost Died
8. Had to Cancel my first vacation in 7 years

and nnoooooowwww....
      9. I'm sitting here... peeing myself. 6 days before me re-scheduled trip.

What the hell?

I'm a 25 year old woman with no uterus who is contemplating depends.

I want a re-do.

-Michelle

Day 35

Dear Uterus,

There will come a time, or maybe it's already here and I'm late, that I will need to stop writing to you, and redirect it to something else.

By this I mean that I cannot always focus on what was. I need to focus on what will be.

The problem is, as I've said before-- I'm not sure what will be.

So for now, I write to you.

I've not been writing this for that long. It hasn't been that long since everything happened, but I feel a tiny bit more at peace since I started. I feel a tiny bit less isolated. I feel a tiny bit different with every post.

I know that I can't change what happened... no amount of letters to you are going to return things to how they were. I have a new normal I need to adjust to. I have a new way of thought, a new look at things.

I'm not sure if I'll make it the full 365 days before I feel the need to move into the future... I'm not sure that I won't need more than 365 days.

We'll travel this road together and we'll see how it ends...

-Michelle

Day 34

Dear Uterus,

Let's talk fees-- not for any special reason, but it's something I've spent a SMALL amount of time looking at in the past few days, and today-- I don't have much else to talk about. Today we're focusing on IVF, tomorrow we'll talk adoption.

Now, if you click this link here, you will be taken to an IVF Cost Calculator. While the costs vary a bit by clinic, this gives you a rough estimate.

 31,380.00

This cost is actually probably 3-5k too low.

It includes the Pre-cycle cocts ($2070), Surrogate Costs ($10,650-- this is with a FREE surrogate, paying her only montly expenses, life insurance, screening, psych evals, legal fees and then a reserve of 3k)

Cycle Costs: 17,610 (Now, this covers base cycle, anesthesia, blasocyst transfer (transferring an embryo that's 5 days old as compared to 3) and PGD/PGS)

• The PGD/PGS is something I COULD eliminate, and it would save us 6k dollars. It screens for chromosonal abnormalities and also allows gender selection. Prior to this it's something I never would have considered, but now... I would. 

So I'm guessing, if nothing went wrong (no surprise medical bills, etc.) we'd need to save 35k dollars.

I want another baby.... obviously..... but holy crap.

Thirty five thousand dollars.

Ready for a real eye opener? That's cheap---

The twins' parents paid 4 times that much.

-Michelle

Day 33

Dear Uterus,

I think the majority of surrogates can relate to what I'm going to say next.

You could be in the middle of your journey, pregnant or just finished, and you hear someone talking about matching, and you're a little jealous. I remember feeling that both times, first when I was pregnant with the twins, and second when I was pregnant with Baby Boy. That part of the process is exciting. It's like dating someone for the first time, you want to tell your friends all about how awesome the guy was.

So, it's an odd place to be-- where I'm at now.

I'm jealous of the girls matching, and planning their next journeys-- but I'm also jealous of the parents now.--That's uncharted territory.

As a surrogate you become more aware of just how many people there are that are struggling to have a baby. You see so many stories, and you want to help them all. You want to give everyone babies. You are one of the "able". You're not one of the "can't".

I used to be an "able", and now I'm a "can't".
So it's an odd place to be-- where I'm at now.

I don't feel entirely accurate calling myself a surrogate anymore. To mem that implies as if it's something you can still do/will do. You don't call yourself a teacher if you've now taken up nursing. 
I don't know if I'm an Intended Mother-- I don't know if we will pursue a surrogacy for ourselves.

So, it's an odd place to be-- where I'm at now.

-Michelle

Day 32

Dear Uterus,

Someone donated blood in honor of me the other day.

I can't even explain to you how amazing that made me feel.

I've donated blood before. When you do that, you know it's going to help someone.

I never realized how important it was until I was on the other side of it. I've read the average need per incident/person is 1-2 bags of blood.

I've posted this pic before, but I want you to really look it at now. 

If you look at that little tally, you see all the Packed Red Blood Cells (PRBC) I received, the Fresh Frozen Plasma (FFP), the Platelets, and the Cryoprecipitate (cryo).

I see at least eleven faceless people( and up to twenty five) that took time to go donate. One donation can help up to three people once the blood is processed.

Here is some scary (rough)math for you.

A typical blood donation takes 1 pint of blood from you. That's 473mls. After it's processed and seperated, you're left with a bag of PRBC, some platelets, some plasma, and maybe some cryo.

A typical bag of PRBC contains about 350ml. That's almost 12 ounces. (73% of the 1 pint you donated)

The average woman has about 5 liters of blood in her. That's around 170 ounces. This 170 ounces counts not just the blood cells, but also the plasma and platelets in your blood.

I used 11 bags of PRBC. That's 132 ounces. Of just blood cells.

That's 77% of the average woman's blood volume. IN JUST BLOOD CELLS

When the second OB said I was running on empty, he wasn't exaggerating.... I was empty.

So, the next time I drive by a red-cross donation drive-- I'll be thinking a little differently.

-Michelle

Day 31

Dear Uterus,

One month.

One month of irritation, anger, sadness.... One month of a lot of processing. One month of a lot of acceptance.

When I realized, yesterday, that 'tomorrow' was going to be the one month anniversary, I was expecting to feel the need to write a semi-sad letter to you.

Instead, I offer you this.

My "I have no uterus" bucket list. (in no particular order)

1. Get my AS in Criminal Justice > BS in Social Work (annnnddddddddddd pass the LSAT.)
2. Look into becoming an Egg Donor, because I still need to help people have families. 
3. Commit to this blog for a year.
4. Publish a Book on my journey-- the good, the bad, the...everything. 
5. Expand our family-- some way, some how. 
6. Complete this list.

-Michelle

Day 30

Dear Uterus,

I usually wait until the evening to write these. Then I can reflect on my day and decide what really stood out to me and something I want to share.

I'm not quite ready to say that things are getting easier, but they are getting more... manageable.

It's still not easy.

Today though, I already know what I want to tell you, and it's something I've already touched on before.

Support.

I've had several people write me and tell me that I'm doing so much better than they did/would. People that say they finally know someone now who 'gets it'.

I would like to say I'm just super well adjusted and rational, but I'm not.

The people in my life, have made this as bearable as possible.

Today I scrolled through, quite literally, hundreds of comments to my page, dozens of shares to this blog, comments to comments.... people that I have never seen and aren't even on my friends list....

If something like that doesn't make you feel loved, even in darker times, I don't know what will.

I would more than likely develop carpal tunnel if I typed responses back to them. I already had a hand cramp after "<3" -ing all of them.

There have been a few days where I almost stopped this-- fear of it being to repetitive, boring, sad.....etc. Then I get a message, or a comment from someone I know-- a new friend, a new aquaintance, a life-long family friend-- and it encourages me to keep going.

My original goal for this was a year. The first year of dealing with everything. Eventually, maybe sooner rather than later, there will be a post that has absolutely nothing to do with you... because that day... it wasn't about you. It was about something else.

I'm excited for that day--- and a little scared of it.

-Michelle

July 4, 2015- Day 29

Dear Uterus,

You know what's weird? Packing up a box of feminine products.

From the age of 14, these things were the bane of my existance. I often joked that the reason why I was pregnant all the time was just so I could avoid periods...

So today I finally went into my bathroom drawers and emptied them out.

Learning to laugh in the tampon aisle...

Not quite there yet... but I didnt cry.

-Michelle

July 3, 2015- Day 28

Dear Uterus,

I was talking to a group of surrogates I 'know', yesterday. We spent this last pregnancy together, we all transferred the same month.

I told them something on a post and I thought about it. I am not sure where I fit anymore in the baby community.

I am not ever going to be a surrogate again. I am not going to be "TTC". I dont kniw how we will expand our family so I dont fit with Intended Parent groups, I dont know if we are adopting in the near future, so I dont fit there..

I stay in the surrogate groups I am in because I do have experience and I know them, but I dont have a journey coming up. I'm nit searching for matches....

This is all I have to share..

-Michelle

Day 27

Dear Uterus,

I want to preface this by saying that I do not write this post to trivialize in any way people dealing with breast cancer. With that said... I will continue on...

Today I had to write an essay for my Human Sexuality course in college. I was given a few topics to choose from, one of them regarding the sexuality of breasts. It asked a very specific question, "If, as a woman, you had to undergo a radical mastectomy, would you feel less sexual/desirable?"

I won't make you read my entire response but I will give you the cliff notes version.

My answer today is very different than it would have been a month ago.

A month ago my two concerns were producing breastmilk and getting into my bathing suit before summer vacation. I am not exaggerating that at all, and they both had some (or all) to do with my breasts.

If I would have had to have my breasts removed, I would have done it. I would have hated it while being thankful for being alive at the same time. I would have immediately started looking at costs of implants. I would have hated that I looked like a boy. All of these, I think, are valid reactions.

Now, after this... I could do it. I'm not saying I would love it, but I could do it. I cant look at the cost of a new uterus. If people saw me they wouldnt ask "hey, why are you flat chested?" But people will ask me "when are you having your next baby?"

Further... I am learning with every say to.accept this. Learning that I am every bit of a woman as I was before, despite my lack of uterus. If this happened to me, today, I would already be in that process.. learning to accept a new me.

-Michelle

July 1st, 2014- Day 26

Dear Uterus,

It's a new month. Calender wise at least.

I am heading back home today after being away for a few days.

I feel guilty sometimes for grieving.

I have an awesome son. I was able to conceive and carry him, by myself. I also know a little better than most just how many people never had that chance. I am friends with women who are desperately trying to adopt, or find a surrogate.

Who am I to complain and feel bad when I knoew these people.

I feel like in complaining I didn't get a second piece of desert, when there are people who didn't even have dinner...

But even though I hate how it bothers me... it still does...

-Michelle