Nov. 18th-23rd: Days 166-171

Dear Uterus,

We are approaching C's six month birthday. That means we're also approaching 6 months since we separated.  Almost a half of a year has passed. How is that possible?

When I was in high school, I had the typical 'girl' thoughts. My best friend is skinnier. I'm soooo fat. I wished I had bigger boobs... you get the idea.

Still, I never hated my body.

I would look in the mirror and think, "Hey, I look good today. I'm pretty."

When I got pregnant with Cody I loved watching my belly grow and change. I felt beautiful. I was growing a person.

Cody gave me stretchmarks from Hell. I still felt beautiful. I earned those.

The twins lengthened those stretchmarks, and gave me a c-section scar. The scar didn't bother me too much. Few saw it, and I didn't care if they did. I earned those. I grew two people.

C gave me a 'new' scar. My old one was cut away, and a new one was in it's place. I had that scar for 6 days. For 6 days, I had another marker of something I did (albeit a slightly crappy and crooked one.. but a mark).

I still have the stretchmarks, but they're fading.

My skin is EVER SO SLOWLY shrinking back.

I don't have either c-section scar any more.

Instead I have the scar from the hysterectomy, and for the first time in my entire life. I didn't like what I saw when I looked in the mirror.

That sounds vain, doesn't it?

The hysterectomy scar is in the same place as the c-section ones. It's a little longer (almost 9 inches), and for a scar it's not horrible.

Yet instead of representing the babies I carried, it only represents everything I lost. I lost an organ. I lost the possibility of ever delivering another child.  That scar represents darkness.

So, a few nights ago I took a picture. Tonight I'll share it with you.

You didn't ask to see it, you could probably care less.  Still, I need to show you. I need to reach a point where I can look at it and say "I earned this. This is proof I survived." My first step is not hiding it.

I have yet another scar beneath it. In the center, about an inch and half down is a scar from my most recent surgery. Another reminder of something negative.

-Michelle

Nov. 4th-17th; Days 152-165

Dear Uterus,

I haven't felt the need to write in here for  two weeks.

The last few days I was starting to feel the urge and then life caught up with me.

I have piles of homework every week for college. I am looking and applying daily for jobs. I am working on craft orders. I'm being a mom. I'm also still healing.

In 5 month's I've had 3 fairly major surgeries.

I think I forget that my body is probably over it right now.

The latest surgery didn't work. Things are slightly better than before, but not by an amazing amount. I cannot describe how sucky that makes me feel. I still experience pain from the surgery and it's not like everything is all better so the pain is worth it.

I'm not sure what my next step will be. I won't let myself think that this is just my new reality. Still, financially we're stretched thin and I don't think I can afford any more surgeries or procedures in the near future.

In the past few days something has occurred to me. I don't feel like it's November, Mentally I'm still stuck in June.

I've went on a vacation, switched colleges, managed to get on the deans list, and I really have no idea how because I'm pretty sure I just coasted through all of it.

The last 5 and a half months were stolen from me.

Tonight in the shower I broke down crying and I had no idea why.

I got out, dried off and deactivated my Facebook.

I need a break from the babies and the pregnancy tests, but more than that I need a break from the people WHO DON'T GET IT.  I need a break from the people who are arguing over the most tricial of things and the only thing I can think of is: "Get over it, tomorrow it could end."

I'm not sure if that's a good or a bad way to think about things, but there it is.




I need a break from people complaining about being pregnant, and honestly, I need a break from Surrogacy.

Because right now my rose-colored glasses are off and I'm afraid I won't keep my mouth shut.

Hugs and Love.

Goodnight.

Oct. 29th- Nov. 3rd; Days 146-151

Dear Uterus,

It's a new month and I haven't written in about a week, so I figured I probably should.

I'm still recovering from surgery, and still in complete limbo on knowing whether or not it worked. I'm desperate to know one way or the other so I can either plan my next step or jump for joy.

I started off writing every day because I needed it. Eventually it went to every 2-3 days and now we're about once a week.

Tonight I needed to write.

Everyone is pregnant or having babies.. and I love it. I also hate it.

It's so confusing.

There are days when I want to block everyone that even mentions pregnancy, and days that I think all the pictures give me hope.

The only ones that don't bother me, are the surrogate pregnancies. Despite everything, I still love those. Yes, there is a twinge of pain when I see a bump, but I think I'm slowly growing used to the idea that I'll never be pregnant again.

I had three pregnancies, and I ROCKED them.

Surrogate pregnancies are easy because they don't take the baby home after.

I want to take a baby home. I want to experience that again. I feel cheated.

I am madly in love with Cody and every day he becomes a little more independent and needs me a little less. I want to hold on to him forever because I may not ever get the chance to hold on to another one.

I don't know how women deal with this for years. I can't even imagine dealing with it for another month.

-Michelle