Sept. 26th-28th; Days 113-115

Dear Uterus, 

Some days I feel like I jinxed myself. Or maybe that I wasn't grateful enough for my ability to carry and it was taken away. 

With Cody's pregnancy, I was both in love with and and wanting it over at the same time, which I'm going to say is probably normal.  It was my first pregnancy, my first child. It was neat to see the changes in my body and feel his movements. Still, I wanted it over and him in my arms. 

My second (well, third if you count the early miscarriage) was the Twins. And again, the pregnancy was sooooo neat. Twins brought a whole new oomph to the pregnancy that I hadn't experienced before. Plus, it was my first surrogate pregnancy, and that felt amazing. I was looking forward to giving the babies to S&J, but I loved the pregnancy. 

With Charlie, nothing was new or different. I was SO HAPPY to give D&M a baby, but the pregnancy itself was nothing spectacular. I was happy to grow him, and care for him, but I didn't feel the excitement I had with my first two pregnancies. Also, this pregnancy was a lot more uncomfortable for me than even the twins had been, and I know there were days where I was just done and ready for it to be over. 

So, in a way I feel like I jinxed myself-- like I didn't love this pregnancy as much and so the ability to have more was taken away. I know that's not why, but it feels like that. 

Almost a week ago my doctor started me on a anti-depression medication, not for depression, but for the side effect it caused-- which would hopefully help with my bladder issues until surgery happened. Ironically, a side-effect of the medication for depression can be..... depression. 

I wouldn't go so far as to say I'm depressed.. yet, but I can definitely feel a change. I had been climbing up from the sadness that all this caused, and now I'm at a point where thinking about it-- thinking about how close I came to death-- thinking about how I will never feel a baby move inside me again, it physically hurts. I feel like it's crushing me on the inside. 

When I don't think about, I'm fine, but when I let my mind wander I go back to the place I was when I started this blog. 

I don't know if it's the medication, or just a little regression in my overall healing... but I don't like it.

Hugs and Love,

Michelle

Sept. 23rd-25th; Days 110-112

Dear Uterus,

A little bit of my crazy might show as I write this.

Is it weird that sometimes, for a second, I forget that everything happened?

Today, I was thinking about this whole bladder thing. My thought process went something like this:

I wonder when these pills will take affect? > Hopefully the surgery works completely > What happens if even after the surgery I still have some leakage? > That would be weird, being pregnant and also dealing with changing pads > I wouldn't want the ultrasound techs to know, so when they did the scans I'd have to make sure they didn't see what I was wearing. > wait a minute, why I am wondering what this will be like when I'm pregnant?

It doesn't happen often, but sometimes it does, and usually when I've had several good days of just NOT thinking about it at all.

I see a cute baby sometimes and I say to Glen "UGH my uterus aches."

No, no it doesn't.

-Michelle

Sept. 21st and 22nd; Days 108&109

Dear Uterus,

Starting with stating that YES, Cody is fine :) I had several people message me worried about my last post.

I thought it was pretty clear, but there you go.

Now, Today is Week 3 of weightloss.  Nothing fancy to update. Still the same as last week, but I've done absolutely nothing to help.. so... can't complain. At least I didn't gain it back.

Today I finally was able to see the urologist, and found out that I will be having surgery to fix my bladder issues.

Long story short is that I do have a prolapse as well as significant weakening of those muscles. I will be getting a biograph inserted and a sling. Unfortunately this is only a 10-15 year fix, and then I'll have to have it done again, BUT I'm trying to remain positive that I will be able to go back to my 'normal' life.

I don't have a date yet, but I will let you know when I do.

On the no-uterus side of things. Today during the exam he had me "push like you're having a baby". I didn't really think about it until I got home and realized I will never do that again for its intended purpose.

-Michelle

Sept. 20th Day 107

Dear Uterus,

I'm taking a break from my regularly scheduled blogging to ask you for something.

Please contact me if you know a family (or are a family!) that is financially struggling due to childhood cancer.

Details later-- but it's going to be awesome!

-Michelle

Sept. 17-19; Days 104-106

Dear Uterus,

The last few days I have been steadily working on my first quarter as a Legal Studies student. I have a two week break before the next quarter starts. I'm so excited to be one quarter closer to scratching something off my post-uterus bucket list.

I've been keeping myself busy. I think that helps as well. I haven't been able to find a job, but I do my little side crochet business and I craft. I craft all the time.

I'm working on another little surprise, but no one gets to know that yet. For now, it's just for me. It's keeping me moving forward.

More and more I catch myself commenting on Cody being an only child. I no longer say it with the bitterness I did three months ago. Now, I think I'm okay with it. If another baby comes to us in the next few years, I will gladly take it, but-- I think I'm okay with 'just Cody' for now.

He's amazing. Every day I love him a little more, I squeeze him a little tighter, and I vow to do everything I can to make his life amazing.

-Michelle

Sept. 15-16; Days 102&103

Dear Uterus,

When this first happened, I wrote my first entry because everyone was asking about it. Everyone wanted to know and that was the easiet way possible.

I continued because it turned to a type of therapy for me. I wrote every day, religiously. It was like my personal therapist-- and I didn't have to pay $80.00 an hour.

Now that three and a half months have passed, I write about every other day. I don't need my therapy every day. I have days when it doesn't cross my mind. Full, whole days where I don't even think about it.

I still am a part of the surrogacy community, even though I've considered multiple times leaving all the groups because I feel out of place. Then something happens and reminds me why I stay.

On more than one occasion, honestly-- probably more than ten, someone brings me into a conversation.

Usually there is a woman, struggling with the same thing I struggled with. They tell you to be done with having all of your kids before pursuing surrogacy. They think they can handle it, they think everything will be fine, they don't get the risks. There are some on there that are judging them, thinking they are fools. Then, there's me. I was them. I was them in 2011 when I started looking into it. I was them in 2012 when I transferred the twins. I was them in 2013 and 2014, and 2015. For five days in 2015 I was planning my next pregnancy. I was planning the one after that too.

Then, in one day.. that was all gone.

Every time I tell them my abridged story, I hope that it at least makes them pause-- makes them consider their feelings.

Today as I was writing-- I realized there was something else I wanted to add.

That choice doesn't just affect your ability to carry. It effects your family. It effects the Parents you carried for.

So-- I keep writing.

-Michelle

September 13th-14th; Days 100&101

Dear Uterus,

Week 2 of my diet.

This week I fluctuated a bit, but ended today one pound less than last week.

Stats:

Starting:

• 188 pounds
• Size 14 jeans. 

2nd Week:

• 184 pounds
• Size 14 jeans

Pounds lost: 4

-Michelle

Day 99

Dear Uterus,

Let's pause for a second and realize that this DAY 99. The last day of double digits since everything happened. That means 100 short days ago I was completely oblivious to what was about to happen.

Now, let's get to the slightly humorous (and full of SPOILERS) blog on why TV makes me crazy.

So, one of my favorite shows is Grey's Anatomy (the spoilers are coming, stop now).

I love that show. Well, loved. How is McDreamy dead??? That's really not the point.

Why can Grey's Anatomy not have ONE GOOD PREGNANCY.

Christina Pregnant-- ectopic
Bailey Pregnant- Has to deliver baby while husband is having his brain operated on.
Meredith Pregnant- miscarriage
Callie pregnant- delivers early from car crash
Christina Pregnant- Abortion
Meredith Pregnant- Delivers via c-section in the dark, almost dies.
April Pregnant- Baby has problem that means it will not live outside the womb very long.
Meredith Pregnant- delivers while mourning dead husband, hemorrhages at home.

Just recently I started binge watching Private Practice, Addison's spin-off show. In it we have:

Violet Pregnant- Baby cut out of her by crazy person and stolen breifly, left to die.
Amelia Pregnant- Baby has no brain. (Just got to this point, don't tell me how it all ends).


AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED on all the Surrogate Stuff in Private Practice.

This probably seems really weird, but it bothers me for some reason, now.


AHHH!
-Michelle

Sept. 10th-11th; Days 97&98

Dear Uterus,

The 10th was Glen's birthday, I think I can honestly say that I didn't think about what happened or what I lost yesterday. I didn't think about anything other than making it a good day.

Today I went to the doctor. For two months now, I have been looking forward to seeing some sort of light at the end of the "crap keeps happening tunnel".

Every day that I deal with this awesome....side effect? of all the pregnancies and surgeries I feel like I'm never going to climb out.

Today, I was sitting in the Urologist's office and then they told me he was called into surgery. So now I wait another two weeks. Another two weeks before I can even begin to see a plan to fix this all.

I'm tired of it. And I'm irritated.

-Michelle

Sept 8th-9th; Days 95-96

Dear Uterus,

One week of the diet is down.

Stats:

Starting:

• 188 pounds
• Size 14 jeans. 

1 Week:

• 185 pounds
• Size 14 jeans

So, I've lost 3 lbs this week. 11 more to go to my first goal.

Today was Henry and Haley's 2 year birthday. 2 years since my first surrogacy journey ended. Time flies soooooooo fast.

I haven't talked to their parents in a year. It's okay. I didn't do it for friendship, but I won't lie and say I don't wonder about them--

-Michelle

Sept 4th-7th; Days 91-94

Dear Uterus,

I took the weekend off. I'm sorry.

I decided a little while back to start working again. I think I need to, and for more reasons than one.

On Friday, I took a test at one of the places I submitted a resume. I hope to find out if I get the job tomorrow or Wednesday.

On Saturday, I missed the funeral of Inez. It was horrible not being there. And sad. I'm so glad she got to hold my son, once.

On those evenings I watched a friend's baby. I forgot how tiring babies can be.

Sunday was fun... and bittersweet. We went to a sheep dog championship near here. The last time I was there was this time last year, and I was telling people how excited I was to be a surrogate again. (I transferred Charlie on the 9th of September last year).

Today, I canned tomato sauce (again-- did it on Saturday too). Today I told someone the story of "The Day it All Changed" and it didn't sting as bad. I just said it. Today it wasn't about all the pain. Today when I told it, today it felt about survival.

-Michelle

Sept 3- Day 90

Dear Uterus,

SO----

I'm late. Approximately 8 weeks.

Think I should be worried?

I'm trying to laugh here people, laugh with me.

-Michelle

(okay, seriously-- I just happened to think about it that I have "missed" two periods. I usually have my first PP period around 6 weeks. Learning to laugh-)

Day 89

Dear Uterus,

One of my post-uterus bucket list was to get back down to a weight that was less than or equal to what I was when I got pregnant with Cody.

Apparently, I'm a stress/emotional eater.

I lost all of my baby weight, and was wanting to work on the med-weight but I got side tracked when I started feeling really bummed about everything. Then I got better... then Inez died.

The last week  I have eaten so much crap and gained at least five pounds.

Today was my first day of my diet.

I HATE sharing my weight, but I'm going to. I'm going to share all the stats.

• I am 5'10"
• This morning I weighed 188 pounds
• I wear size 14 jeans. 
• (I'll edit this Thursday or Friday with measurements)

My goals are:

• Lose at LEAST 14 lbs 
• Preferably 20lbs (Glen is racing me to the 20 lbs mark-- I realize he'll win... but... motivation)
• Fit into Size 12 at max, preferably 9/10.
• Trim 3 inches off my stomach and hips

So there it is. Weekly updates to follow. Hold me accountable.

-Michelle

Day 88

Dear Uterus,

I'm okay.

I'm not wonderful. I haven't evolved enough to put it all behind me, but I'm okay.

There are things that still sting, there are times that I tear up.. but I don't feel the crushing ache that I felt before.

I don't lay in bed all day with the door closed.

I'm okay.

I can't ask or expect more than that right now.

-Michelle